Welcome to the Shit Show

I just wanted to touch base and I’ve been asked when I’ll be writing more. I am currently dealing with many things and writing is an outlet however currently I don’t hold the mental space to write because while writing I also have to make the recalls and relieve all of these moments which can be very exhausting.

So please be patient with me and I will be returning shortly but when it calls to be written.

I hope your drive into my life has helped you in any way and maybe helped you realize you’re not alone in the trials of this world.

Have a great day and I hope to write again soon.

The Next Step

“So how was it?” Was all I could think to say. I mean what do you really say after your husband tells you he just slept with one of the women he fantasized about sleeping with?

He came clean with the details, admitting that it was different than he expected and how he felt awkward to the point where he didn’t get to enjoy it fully. A part of me listening wanted to be mad, but the other part was slightly amused and even vilified knowing that he felt awkward. A part of me wanted to also call out his lie because I’m sure he was just trying to downplay it to keep his position with me. I figured at least he came clean to me, we could get it over with and move on while making light of it all. I mean I really couldn’t be mad if I looked at it, I offered, she accepted and he, well, he just got his chance of a lifetime. I never expected him to be a saint but I knew it would be the end to me if he completely lied. There was beauty in honesty. One of the things that I had taken away from everything with Billy(my father) was that no matter what I felt , that as long as you were honest, it was easier to see what would come at me next. Nothing was worse than the constant worry about the unknown of people’s dark workings. That was what hurt the most with Joey and D, they had lied and gone behind my back. At least Joe had been honest. My disappointment was there but it was not enough to cause a major divide. It felt more like a crack or a small chip out of my armor.

We continued on with our day. When I returned home as normal,  Sue was now slightly more reserved. She skirted and ignored the topic of having my husband. Her energy had now shifted. I watched as she would remove herself more and try to keep busy in my presence.  I know it was her guilty conscience. I could see it all so clearly. I tried to make it known that I didn’t care, but I could tell there was something she couldn’t get over. I don’t know if she thought that there was something more going on behind the motives but I truly didn’t care. Everyone had shown their cards and that’s all I cared about.

At work the days went on as normal and I was getting more and more busy with new clients. At home I kept the time  filled with family time and activities trying to keep family time as much as possible when I wasn’t working.

The tattoo shop was trying to move around more people, but most of them wouldn’t last long. They would get aggravated that I was keeping busy with requested clients while they were slow. I would try to give them people and offer to buy lunch from time to time but I still would be met with animosity from most of them. After a while I stopped trying because it was getting tiring getting attitude and false niceties from work members that I was just trying to be nice to, and while at home with Sue.

Sue had made herself busy more and barely interacted with me after her time with Joe. It was the slow pull away. I ignored it and let her do what she needed hoping she would find herself in her own grove and people so that she could move on when she was ready.  With the lease to the apartment coming up in a few months, Joe and I had discussed moving and if we wanted Sue to move with us. Sue had started pushing the envelope with little things at first in the house to cause a rift while more and more going further when the little things didn’t cause issues. Joe and I could see it and both decided that the best scenario would be to just move and go our separate ways when the end of the lease came. So I started planting the seed with Sue about the move dates. As the time got closer her antics became more and more clear that she made the decision that she was moving in with friends.

Joe and I had found a great little townhouse not far from the shop and it was within the price range and the range of Slater’s school so it worked out perfectly. It was still in range to bike to the shop and Slater’s school if needed but she would now be riding a bus to school which she was excited for the new experience.

The moving day came and went and as Sue left we said our goodbyes and the basic “see you later” even though we all knew it would only be in passing. Sue had moved on and we were excited to start in the new chapter. The new neighborhood was a little more friendly and had a few kids on Slater’s bus so she made friends easily. While at work I was now down to a basic crew but they were showing signs that a move was coming eventually. I hung in to see where the road would take us.

While moving in we had made friends with an elderly lady a few doors down and she was inserting herself into our lives a little everyday. She was alone and you could tell she was starving for attention some days. We really didn’t mind since it would be an extra pair of eyes on the neighborhood and Slater. She did food collecting with the local grocery stores for the local church that would feed the homeless and we offered any help if ever needed. When we ate dinner and knew she would be home we invited her over as well to enjoy her life experiences.

We were settling in to the townhouse nicely and it wasn’t long before we settled into a grove. After a few months I randomly ran into Sue. She was hanging on the front  steps of an apartment complex with a guy and when I saw her I pulled over to say hello since I had tried to check in with her phone and had gotten a message that the number was disconnected.  Sue was light in her step and super relaxed in telling me that she was doing great and homeless but chose to be and felt more free than she ever had in her life. I could understand the feeling after squatting when I was younger and not a mother. I was genuinely happy for her being happy but offered if she ever needed anything to please reach out.

Life went on. The shop eventually admitted that they were closing that location and moved me to the Eastern location. I really didn’t mind the commute, however the staff was somewhat of an adjustment. There were two other artists working at the location and both had to basically share their stations with me. One was a guy nicknamed Tank, who was a large biker looking guy that was extremely misogynistic and made inappropriate comments constantly. The other was his apprentice or a green horn artist that was close to the same energy that we will call Box. Both of them were constantly in the mindset that I was some dumb chick that  they didn’t want there to stop their “fun” and rude shit.  Little did they know I was brought there because of all the complaints they received at that location and the owner wanted to move them because she didn’t want to deal with the lawsuits anymore. 

I met the head piercer that we shall call Christ {he prides himself on that name}and his apprentice that I’ll call Frazier because he was more intellectually armed than the rest. The counter crew were a bunch of younger kids in their late teens and early twenties. Most of the counter kids rotated quickly so I never bothered to really remember their names but the ones that stayed longer became friends. Shea was a beautiful tattooed Elvira looking young girl with a bubbly personality, Lil B was a little skater punk lesbian that reminded me of a little brother. 

The shop was usually bouncing from annoyed energy with the guys on crew to the fun crew that vibed once the jerks were gone.  I enjoyed working with most of them except Tank and Box. Box wasn’t so bad but he had his moments that just made you really know to never want to be good and close with him.

While working at this location, I had met some local Bikers and started tattooing the rest of the club and enjoyed the perks of the occasional invites for the family to things. Though I really couldn’t hang out very often it was nice to get a little more of a community. I made a lot of new clients into friends at this location. Many that I still hold today.

Tank eventually worked his way into being moved to another location after constantly harassing me and a few female clients. He became so irritating that I even went so far as to get a box of tampons and leave them on his station for him to “Plug his hole” because I got tired of hearing his shit. Box thought it was funny until I gave him Preparation H wipes while telling him to get whatever was lodged in his ass out. Yeah… The bosses called me saying I shouldn’t have done that, but if they could dish it out, so could I. It wasn’t my fault they couldn’t take their own medicine. The counter kids laughed watching the whole thing everyday. We made it a game at one point, tit for tat, every time they tried to do something I would One up Them. It was actually entertaining that they thought I would take it and when I didn’t the hissy fits they would throw like children. I enjoyed the days that we didn’t have to deal with Tank any further and it wasn’t long before Box left as well.

During the months I had been at the Eastern location, I had built a name for myself.  I worked at a local tattoo convention and had run into some old friends that were established in the industry. Once some of the other artists understood who I knew they gave me a little more breathing room without the constant insults. I had built repour with some of the suppliers and some of the well known names just from interactions. Joe had noticed the shift of respect that was given. I was just happy to be left to do my art.

The owners wife would call me from time to time just to talk and the counter kids and I were in a groove that if they had issues making bills, I would help because at the end of the day If I was fed they would be too.  The energy flowed nicely and the shop flourished when it did. Everyone was happy to be making money and having fun. Joe would come by with Slater to drop dinner off some nights and we would spend the quiet nights having family dinner. I was building a decent clientele but still had my down days that gave me time to read books and do other projects.

It was almost a year at that location when there was a mass exodus of the artists at the other locations in one month. They had lost six people in less than a month because the main manager was on a rampage and had pissed everyone off. She usually left me alone so I didn’t think much of it since I knew I wasn’t in her sites. She left the other locations scrambling for help, so I got the call .  I needed to bounce between them all and needed to work more days. Since I already worked five days ten hours a day it was now going to be seven days at sometimes twelve hours a day. Joe and I agreed that it would be hard but we could make it work. I was already looking at a possible exit plan for myself into opening my own place and figured it would help financially.

I figured it would only be a short time but after the second month I was exhausted. I had asked for our anniversary off to relax and get family time in and was told that they would see what they could do. 

Fate had other plans.

I had been talking to some of the artists that had left casually and kept the communications open. I was trying to get the things in line for myself to possibly get my own location. I had made a date to re-up my health license and had to get the required vaccinations. I went one day before work and for the next 3 days became more and more ill. The 4th day was my anniversary and I ended up in the local ER. I had Acute Tonsillitis and a severe infection in the sinus cavity  and upper respiratory. I was demanded for a mandatory week off  but told my work I would try to see how I felt after a few days of medication.  They were not happy. I was instantly treated as if I was lying and they wanted proof that I was hospitalized. Joe went and showed them everything from the discharge papers with me in the truck on the way home with the hospital bracelets still attached. Then and only then did they lighten up a little with the attitude.

I was home 4 days before I made myself go to work because I knew I had bills coming up. My first day back the manager tried to inform me that I owed dues for “shop Insurance” which I knew was a scam and I explained that I would pay over the next 2 days due to needing to pay rent and put food on my own table but they would get it. The next morning when I went to work I was informed by the counter staff that they were told not to let me leave until I paid it that day. I was livid. I had busted my ass for them to the point of exhaustion and here they were treating me like a slave instead of a person that had worked hard for them as an asset.  I voiced the disdain and called the owners wife to only get the voicemail. I informed her to call off her manager and that if she was throwing ultimatums then mine was she could come collect it from me herself so I could punch her in the face and quite properly. They had 2 hours to decide.

It didn’t take long for my phone to ring. But not from the owner. It was one of the other artists that had left the month before confirming the gossip he had heard already on the grapevine. I confirmed and he agreed it was their fuck up. They had known how hard I worked and how much I gave to the business and was offering me a place at his new shop and even offered to bring me boxes if needed. I told him the time clock and he offered to come sit and bring boxes to help when the clock ran out.  He showed up thirty minutes later with boxes and a snack.

I had already told Joe and he was in agreement that it was the last straw.

The two hours flew by and as I packed my thing my phone rang from the boss’s wife. She hoped it all blew over and when hearing of the opposite she noticeably started to panic trying to back peddle but made the fatal mistake of then talking down to me like I was a lower life form. That was the nail in the coffin and she knew when she hit it. She started begging me to think about it and take a few days off to let her get everything straightened out. But the damage was done. I packed everything and as I was loading the car even the boss’s father came out to  the shop to try to talk to me but once her heard everything he understood. He father was a respectful man that could tell I was not the person that they could manipulate.  I packed my truck and drove straight over to the new shop to talk to the owner and confirm a location for my appointments for the next day.

Slater was happy that I was going to have more time for her and the new shop was excited that they were getting me with my clientele. The owner was one of the original artists I had started with at the Strip location when I had first come to Vegas. He gave me the option to take time off first but since I had already had appointments set for the next day I told him I would just do light duty for the first week and only do my appointments so that I could have down time.

I went home that night already feeling better about the situation in front of me.

The Slow Reveal

Joe and I had realized we needed to start educating ourselves on ingredients of the foods we were eating more. We began with the basics like Gluten and then high fructose corn syrup. The High fructose corn syrup had given both Joe and I what looked like a cyst in our groin areas and they had to be painfully drained. We began looking into all of the main foods we generally went to and we started making our changes.

Slater didn’t notice the changes as we found products to exchange the regular products for. We found that the fast foods were the worst decisions to go to so we began finding alternates. While I was at work I would refrain from eating anything near my work and only pick safer items. Not many noticed the changes around us so there was never much of an issue when going to eat with anyone. We were still eating many normal items and I was still not fully aware of any major issues.

Life kept going at work and I was getting busier and busier. The owners of the shop were noticing that I was making good money despite being sent to the “slow” location. Some of the other shops were hearing about it and now some of the other workers wanted to come to that location. The shop was right next to the  local State University and everyone thought I had just met a stroke of luck so when they transferred over to only be me with the same turn away factor, they became irate fairly fast. Young Blood and I made a game of watching everyone try to get clients and get shot down. We would ignore their bitching and keep in our good spirits playing in the store and waiting until they were content with distancing themselves. My clients had spread the word to ask for me by name so when I was called upon that was a given that the customer would be mine. Most of the other artists and piercers that worked with me would become jealous. They would get vocal about their disapproval of my client base beginning to rise in numbers. I felt bad sometimes and would try to give pointers but it would always fall on deaf ears. As much as I tried to make friends with the other artists I would always get the cold shoulder and even if I tried to give them clients I was usually still met with resistance. After a while I realized that no matter what I did or how much I tried to help or defer my clients I was not going to gain friends in the shop besides the counter kids. The counter kids were always great company to keep. They always kept you laughing and even if they were broke they never hated on me for my  larger income. I would buy the kids lunch as often as possible to help them in their hard times. Young blood became a good friend to Joe and I, occasionally babysitting Slater so we could have the occasional date night.

Joe was a stay at home Dad while I was working so that we could save to get the things we needed and so that Slater didn’t have to be with strangers everyday. They would come to the shop for lunch most days and every night after work we would do dinner together. Every day I left him with the truck we had bought from a local to take Slater to parks and enjoy while I rode a bike to and from work so that I could get exercise.

The ride was just perfect everyday to start my day and end it. It was an easy shot across the UNLV campus and it was fun to watch all the people on campus. Since I was trying to lose weight, Joe and I had also decided to get a gym membership so we could work out on my days off together. The gym had a daycare and Slater enjoyed the playtime.

Since moving to Vegas took us away from her eye doctors in Florida, the doctors suggested some in Vegas for us to follow up with and we had been mostly tossed around from office to office with appointment setting. We finally got an appointment with one of the doctors for her and when we went to the appointment with her records they had made a few comments about wanting to run more tests on her eyes claiming that there were inconsistencies in her records. Slater had her cataract surgery but they were worried about her retinal portion of her eye even though everything prior had no issues with that area. We had noticed that despite her cataract surgery she still had issues seeing with her bad eye.

And so life became a constant flow of work, exercise, and doctors appointments. Every moment free from any of the commitments was family time.

It was about a year and a half in Vegas when Sue called me to touch base and tell me of her recent crumble and dissolve of her marriage. Sue had helped me when I had nowhere to go when I had Slater, so I was more than happy to help her while she was trying to figure her life out. She hopped a plane and we welcomed her into our home so she could get on her feet.

Sue was a beautiful blonde with a body that most men drool over with a tan and blue eyes. I would be lying if I said part of me wasn’t jealous but I loved her for her amazing friendship she always displayed and was happy for her no matter what. When we went over the events of her marriage dissolution, I felt there was a true sadness but she was still in good spirits.

Sue became our roommate and went nose to the grind looking for work. She scored a job at one of the casinos and to help her I gave over the bike so that she could use it when needed for work and in between Joe and I would help pick her up on days where we juggled the schedules. We all balanced the schedules well so that we could make life easier on all of us. It was nice to have the company and Slater looked at her like an auntie.

Slater started Pre-K at the school next to the apartments so that every morning I could walk her there and see her off to Pre-K. I worked from 10am until 10pm usually 5 days a week and Sue usually worked the evening shift so every day Joe slept in and would get Slater from her Pre-K around 1 then spend lunch with her and they would go to the park until dinnertime. I would arrive home in time to tuck Slater in and then relax with Joe with a movie until Sue got home. We would all talk about our day and then go off to our beds.

Slater had made friends with some kids in the area so some days she would get to have play dates and the days I was off I would volunteer at the school to help the teachers with whatever they needed.

Since I was still on my dietary learning journey I had also begun looking into more and more natural foods and food sustainability. I had started gardening with the kids and even started a few projects at home to keep us learning with food sustainability.I was cooking and making more and more things from scratch while playing with recipes to make them more dietary friendly with gluten free options. I was losing weight and starting to feel much better on many levels. My energy was now at a constant level where I never got tired until it was bedtime. Even though I was gluten free, Joe and Sue still ate many normal items with Slater. I changed many of the everyday items over to what I thought were healthier options but I still ate a more strict level than everyone else.

Most of the time I didn’t think twice about eating differently. But when family came to town it was always prevalent when my in-laws would comment about my eating. No matter how much I would try to be accommodating I was met with disdain and side comments because I chose to eat differently.

At the beginning of going gluten free I saw the physical difference in my appearance and weight loss and energy. Over time I started feeling the internal difference when I ate normal foods. First I would get stomach cramping, usually slight and mildly painful but barely enough to worry about. Then I realized I would get acne and cystic nodes in my armpits and groin areas. Eventually it would create gut wrenching cramps and body aches and headaches. The more I cleaned out the faster I would see the results of eating dirty as I like to call it. Joe and Slater didn’t notice it as much but they were constantly getting more sick than I was with stomach bugs and fevers or coughs. Joe started getting cystic puss filled nodes randomly but we both noticed we would get them together with certain foods we would indulge in that were usually in the sweets variety.

It was a slow process but we both agreed to start completely converting all of us off of the synthetic foods and go for the natural ones all together. Sue was in on the change except for her love of mini candy bars. We all agreed to keep a united front when it came to Slater so that we could keep her healthy. The eye doctors had been bouncing us back and forth between specialists for different testings and in the time between multiple doctors one of the doctors vaguely questioned us about vaccines and a possible injury. That was when I realized I really hadn’t ever thought about the true dangers of any complications of vaccines, the only thing I had known so far was to make sure to ask for ones without sulfides since I had learned about my sulfide allergy years before when I had been in Italy. (There I could drink the wine but when I came home I instantly got migraines, it turned out it was an allergy)

I had started asking around to the doctors about the dangers but all I would get was the basic sheet they handed out. That was extremely unhelpful. So I decided to start my research into the vaccine world by looking up ingredients. I would Google the manufacturers pages and then the ingredient list. Then I would look up the ingredients and what they were known to cause for side effects. I looked into the side effects of the actual vaccines on their manufacturer information insert pages.

This was a slow process and I would do it in between work and life. I was already researching recipes and gardening tips constantly when I had free time but I never felt like I needed to really dive deep, it was very casual in my brain.

After a while Sue was getting antsy at the apartment. I could tell she really wanted more social life but life was busy and we were always just trying to find the balance. She started making comments about wanting sex all the time and out of joke and blatant disregard I offered her to borrow my husband. Never really expecting her to act on it, I casually said it as I walked out the door and off to work.

Joe and I had talked before, like most couples do, about who we would have sex with if we had the chance. I knew Sue was one of the people on Joe’s list but never minded much of it because I always believed if a person really wants to, they will.

While I was at work that day and Slater at Pre-K ,Sue decided to make good on the offer. Joe had caved and obviously jumped at the chance.

I got the call a couple hours later from Joe, nervous and slowly feeling the waters he joked..”So you know how you told Sue she could barrow me?” I already knew where this was headed.”Yes” I replied. “Well she took you up on that.” He replied trying to make light of it. 

Building Blocks

Every day I went to work just excited to be making money but dreading the guys I worked with. There was one guy Charles, that I enjoyed working with on my Sunday shifts because he was in it to just keep busy like myself. The first day  we worked together by ourselves he approached me and respectfully introduced himself formally and asked if I was willing to do pieces for less than what the guys usually quoted. I knew right then he was on the same page.

The guys usually would price extremely high in my taste and it left a lot of downtime since you would have to wait until they got their price met to get through rotation. Some days I wouldn’t tattoo until the end of my day. It was extremely annoying to watch so much money walk out the door because of their ignorance and egos. After a while I got used to their antics and noticed how to speed up the process a little by getting there before everyone else so that I could be first on rotation.

In all the years dealing with my family and their issues one of my biggest fears I guess you could call it {because it was more like a trigger of anxiety for me} was running into a victims family member of my family’s carnage. Well, while working at the shop one day as luck would have it, I got a customer that her and her new husband decided to get in the chair. Leah was a sweet girl and her husband was Super nice. They were both smiles and chatty as they settled into my chair. As the session started underway we talked randomly about their honeymoon they were currently on and then I asked where they were from since the counter kids usually did the paperwork. As Leah tells me that she and her husband grew up in the town next to my hometown I slightly wondered how we hadn’t crossed paths before. Then she mentioned her brothers and that’s when the pieces started to fall into place. I started trying to skirt telling her my last name because I was already almost certain I had heard her family name before when she finally asked me my family’s name. As soon as my last name crossed my lips you could feel the energy change. Leah went quiet. I took that as my cue to face the hell of whatever my family had done. “Look, I can tell you realize who my family was, and whatever they did to your family, I’m truly sorry but I don’t deal with my Family for that exact reason.” You could almost hear her stomach drop. She looked at me and asked about my mother by name. “Patti is your mom and Jane is your grandmother right?” Ugh…here it comes. “Yes, that’s them” She looked at her husband and I could see her calculating what to say next. ” You don’t talk to them anymore?” Leah asked. ” No, I haven’t spoken to them in over a year for my mother and 3 for my grandmother, again please, whatever they did, know I am sorry, my family is shitty and they have done some terrible things to people.” She relaxed a little and she explained… ” My family would lose their shit right now if they knew I was talking to you, your family is the whole reason my uncle is in protective custody” And there it was. Her Uncle had testified against my step dad “the hitman” and in doing so they were now in hiding. Yep.. way to go family… Nothing like making my life interesting even when I wanted nothing to do with it all. “Look I know they did their shit but your family is safe with me, I don’t blame them for doing what needed to be done.” Leah relaxed and we shared a smile at the odds of fate throwing us together in a new city and half a country away.  By the end of their tattoos we were smiling and exchanging numbers to keep in touch. We were repairing the damage done by fear in both of our lives.

That night when I went home Joe and I talked about how no matter what was coming I already felt as if this would be a new start on life.

With all of these new starts on the horizon, we started talking about our marriage. We both knew there wouldn’t be anyone on my side since family was not an option. I had asked D if he would do me the honor of walking me down the isle when Joe and I had gotten engaged but after that phone call he had ghosted me and cut off all communication. I hated that but I figured it had to do with either Angie or his own issues. I never really had anyone else close enough that I still was in contact with besides my uncle John but we weren’t in contact. I always envied those large wedding photos you’d see. I always wondered how they could have that many people close to them when I couldn’t even keep 5 people around very long.

After going through all of the realities of how many really wouldn’t show up we both agreed it was just better to elope or do a small ceremony. We agreed to wait until Halloween since we both loved that holiday and it would give me time to dress shop. I told Cindy and she agreed to fly out for the wedding for the weekend. I now focused on the venue and the dress.

Every night after work we would try to do anything that cost as little as possible. I looked into a new diet to help get rid of my weight I had gained from all the stress and we were trying to eat more at home to ensure the most for our savings. We walked nightly and took Slater to the pool and park constantly on the days off.

It was only 3 weeks into my diet when I noticed changes. I was losing a little weight, but I started getting acne and my body was more stiff. After getting rid of a few items in the diet it got better but I still had issues with my PCOS flaring up more. 

The wedding plans went on. I found a dress and a place to rent Joe’s suit and booked the location. Everything was working its way out. We were saving to move into an apartment and planned on moving after the wedding. I was so excited to try on the dress for my fitting. I lost a little weight and even though it wasn’t substantial, I was happy to at least see a little progress. In all the plans the only thing I really felt was lacking was any support system. Joe was the only support I had in reality. Joe’s family really only played nice but I could tell I was not what they really wanted for him. Cindy was a friend to talk to but she really was more centered on what she was wearing and what not than anything for me. Even when it came down to the day of the wedding she had her mind occupied with what she wanted to look like and left me to do my hair alone and even putting on my dress was a little tricky since I didn’t have help with the corset. We had invited some of the counter kids from the shop since they were the only people that we had befriended.

Young Blood was one of the counter kids that was a young cocky kid that had a great sense of humor. He and I clicked in the shop when the guys threw a fit and had me moved to the slower shop not realizing I would still make money. Young Blood saw the attitudes everyone gave me and realized I didn’t care and loved to piss the other guys off just like I did. We got along quickly.

Young Blood brought a new girlfriend and she was the one who ended up helping me with my corset while Cindy fiddled with Slater’s hair and made herself busy. 

We all loaded up in the truck and went to the Wedding chapel to tie the knot and by the end of it all it was a whirlwind of vows and pictures then off to the restaurant I reserved for the dinner . There were only 7 of us in total and I planned on a table full of appetizers to go with the wedding cake I had made the day before . We ate, had a few drinks and then feasted on the cake and shared the rest of my wedding cake with the kitchen staff.

We went back to the room that night and smiled at the events of the day. It was simple and quick with just the few people that bothered to show but It was nice. Joe’s family was given a website to join in the event since no one was able to come out to Vegas, and in all honesty I didn’t mind them not being there. Joe’s mother had a cold shoulder to me most of the time we had met up. No matter how many times I tried to brush it off I was still the undesired pick for her son and I knew it. He didn’t care or didn’t pay attention to the distance she mentally put there so neither did I. 

After the wedding Cindy went home and life went back to work. We slowly started getting everything together for the apartment we were trying rent and I kept on my diet to try to lose more weight. We had adopted a puppy to add to the family and Slater was in a blissful mindset.

It was around Thanksgiving when Cindy started calling almost weekly for money towards the truck. I had paid her monthly and would send money when she needed it to help with her mother. We registered her truck in Vegas for her that week and had paid over $800 to get the Tag and everything switched with her name on it all. So when she called just a few days later asking for another truck payment after I had just sent her one the week before, red flags started flying.

Cindy had been using the money for her own things and our mutual friend and I realized she was using both of us for money and not having to pay for much between both of us.  That was the final straw with her. I took her truck and dropped it off at her local friends place with the keys and told Cindy she could figure it all out when she moved out since she still hadn’t given us a date.

Within a week we had a Used Suburban I found on Craigslist and moved into the new apartment. I had found an apartment right next to an elementary school that was a 3 bedroom 2 bath on the second floor. It was just the perfect size for us and enough room for either guests or a roommate. It was almost a month into living in the apartment when I realized the diet I was on was not serving me well. I had concerns that my body was out of whack when I called an old acquaintance that I had worked with when I was at the Grocery store as a front end cashier. She had Health issues that showed up in the same alignment with what I was experiencing. I talked to her about my concerns and we agreed I needed to revise some of my diet.

The next week I did my accent into a Gluten free diet. I started noticing the benefits slowly and it was almost a month before I really noticed the true levity of my decision. I had lost over 25 pounds and no longer had symptoms of my PCOS. After 3 months in, I was now almost 80 pounds lighter with no more acne or pain. It gave me a whole new lease on life. My energy had shot through the roof so much that Joe would complain for me to sit down and stop doing things. Joe had made some changes when we ate but I was still making him separate things and still buying him regular things like bread and sauces. Slater was still eating fairly normal like Joe so my eating became a little more of an inconvenience to everyone else. I would cheat from time to time but every time I did I always felt the difference. It wasn’t until Joe and I both reacted to some chocolates from Valentines Day that we both decided it was time to really pay attention more to what we were eating.

We landed and even though I had been there multiple times, every time you saw Vegas it was like a new city. It had changed since the last time I was there and built up and gotten much bigger. 

Before leaving Joe had proposed and we were now engaged so both of us were in a new beginning mind set.

Joe was in awe of The city of Las Vegas.He had never been to Vegas, so now he wanted to see everything he could. We spent the entire week checking out tattoo shops during the early day around the city taking notes on what I would need to get rolling in a shop. Every night we were on the strip checking out all the attractions and different foods. We would joke about elopement when we passed the small chapels and were mentally planning everything we would do when we moved. Every night we would return back to the hotel room too exhausted to think about sex. The lights, the sights, the food, all of it was an excursion we couldn’t wait to try our new life in.

By the end of the week our mind was made up. I went and got myself a Vegas cellphone so that I could have a local number for any job selections and we started our planning on our flight home.

We arrived home with a plan and a vigor to set it in motion.

Joe’s family was not really in the picture much aside from the occasional phone call and us visiting them once every so often. His family was nice enough but I could always tell they didn’t really accept me fully and we’re always playing nice so the move was even more mentally enriching to us becoming our own family.

We talked everything over with Cindy and she decided she was on board to move with us and wanted to bring her mother with us. Since we helped her care for her mother we knew it would be trying but we figured out a plan to get a u haul and pack everything for both her family and mine and we would drive her Pathfinder alongside and take turns with both her mother and Slater for brakes.

Cindy had a friend that lived in Vegas as Cindy worked it out that we would all be able to stay with her while we hunted for places to live once we arrived. The only thing we had to worry about was the money to get there and the time frame for going. We both agreed June would be best for the move since our lease was going to expire that month.

I spent the next month setting everything in motion with the smaller details then went to Rocky and Fatman with my news. I didn’t want to leave them blindsided since they had become like family. Fatman had already made plans for him to separate from Rocky and move further north to get closer to retirement so he understood. Rocky didn’t like it but he understood as well. He asked if there was anything he could do to keep me there but he and I both knew that financially it would be much better for my family. I was going to miss these guys but I knew if I was ever to make a change now was the time while Slater was still young enough and not locked into schooling yet.

The next few months consisted of trying to get everything ready for the move. I started introducing the other tattoo artists at the shop with the clients I felt would best fit their styles and personalities. My clients knew I wasn’t going to just pass them off to anyone after the relationships we had built so they were thankful. The crew at the shop was looking at my exit like a ticking clock.

Slater’s 3rd birthday was in May and I decided it would be the chance to get everyone else together to say goodbye before we left. I invited everyone else we really wanted to celebrate with only to have my decision to move solidified. No one showed. Not a single person came to her pool party, not one family member, friend or neighbor, not one “friend”that I had with kids. No one. That was the nail in the coffin with my feelings for anyone left from my history.

2 weeks later the house was packed, most of the furniture was sold except what we were taking on the truck and moving day was less than a week away. I called Cindy to confirm what time we would be getting the u haul in just a couple of days to get the final blow. Cindy had decided she was going to stay longer and couldn’t go just yet. She begged us to just stay a couple months longer. There was no viable option to stay. I had already given all my clients to the other artists, my job already knew I was leaving, my apartment lease was up in 5 days and we couldn’t renew even if we wanted to since we had just barely enough to pay for the gas and u haul to get to Vegas. It was a huge punch to the gut. Joe and I tried to figure out what to do but I knew we just had to cut all the losses and just go. Every option would only cost us more in finances or sanity.

The next day I listed all my furniture for free and had everyone come and pick it up. We realized we could only afford a 10×10 trailer and the gas to Vegas leaving us with barely $600 once we arrived. We started weeding out of everything to bring, tried selling anything  we owned and packed as much of Slater’s belongings as possible.  I knew I needed $350 once we got there to get all the licensing they required in the shops to work so we knew it would be tight. I had one last payment on my food stamps that we received from getting the medical help for Slater so we decided to stock up on dry goods to last as long as possible for once we set down. I talked to Cindy and asked if we could still go to her friends place once we arrived and if she would let us stay until I could get a place figuring out it would only take at most a month to get a cheap place in the slums if needed. She reached out to her friend and confirmed that she had a place but that the house was in foreclosure and was empty with no appliances or hot water but it had walls and electricity. Her friend conveyed that she wasn’t sure when the house was going to auction but it wouldn’t be very long and as long as we respected the house we were welcome. I’d take it. At that point anything was better than staying in a place where we had nothing left to gain any standing.

Cindy had agreed that we could take the Pathfinder and make the payments once we got to work and she would follow us out a couple months later. With nothing left but our basics, we rented the trailer and loaded up whatever we could fit and started our drive to Vegas.

The entire drive took us 4 days. We stopped only 3 times to sleep and get a hotel. Since we really couldn’t afford much we tried to find the cheapest motels we could. The road trip was exciting for Slater so it was nice to have this time enjoying her excitement. Every time someone asked us where we were going she would proudly say “we’re moving to Vegas” always with a huge smile.

Joe would occasionally voice his concerns about where we were going to stay and what we were going to do once we got there. Every time he did, all I could think was how, no matter what, we were going to make it. I wouldn’t entertain anything less. I knew no matter what all I had to do was just get there and it would work out. I didn’t care if I had to start escorting again, if that’s what it took to survive I’d do it.

We arrived in the early afternoon and met up with Cindy’s friend. She met us at her house and gave us the keys and the address and a basic rundown on any issues we may encounter. We drove straight to the house that was all the way in Centennial on the mountain’s edge. We went in and unpacked the bare necessities and I found a u haul storage unit not far away that only charged 1$ for the first month. We went and unloaded then returned the trailer to ensure no further fees.

That night we took Slater to the strip to show her the lights. She was in awe at the entirety of the strip. We saw the volcano eruption, the sirens of TI( which was totally different from the pirate show I remembered) the gondolas, and all the different sights. Slater was so excited and watching her happiness only made us more relaxed with the idea of being there. This was a whole new start for us to start our family in this amazing city.

After a long day of exploring we returned to the house to eat dinner. When we arrived back we noticed someone had thrown out a water dispenser that had a water heater and we snatched it from the garage pile and brought it into the house to see if it worked. We were going to have to buy ice every night for the cooler to keep our foods cold and I had already dressed the idea of a cold shower but I knew that Slater wouldn’t be comfortable. Once we dragged it in and plugged it in finding it worked, I knew we were going to be good. I rigged up a line to the cooler so that I could heat up water to put into the bath or a sun shower bag for us to wash up. The bonus was I could make a cup of noodles or the single Mac n cheese cup now with ease.

We inflated the air mattresses and once she was asleep I made my list of every number I needed to call first thing in the morning to start my job hunt. I woke the next morning and made my appointments with the red Cross for my CPR and Blood Bourne pathogens class since I needed a newer card anyway. Once that was done we dug out the bowls of cereal and raided the cooler for cold milk.  Once we ate it was time to get a shop to hire me so that I could get the health card.

The health department wouldn’t give a card unless you got a shop to endorse you so the main objective was finding a shop. I brought along a digital portfolio so that it was easier than having a huge book of photos. I went down the list and we hit every one in a procession only stopping for the occasional 7-11 break. Everywhere I went I asked people I saw with tattoos where they went or where there was a good shop. After a while Joe and I kept seeing a few shops always being either recommended or recommended to avoid.  Each shop that continually came up, we visited. Every time I handed over my portfolio I felt like a kid asking if someone liked my drawings. There were shops where I knew my work was well admired and sometimes I felt like the 6th grader walking into the high school.  Joe would see my frustration and remind me that my work was just as good, if not better than most of these people and I had just not gotten the chance to do these kinds of pieces.  He wasn’t wrong. I just knew I needed the opportunity to prove I could do it.

Squatting was not the most ideal with trying to bathe a 3yr old but we were making it work. And we were happy to have a safe place to sleep that was quiet. Every day was filled with planning and trying to play with Slater and every night was a routine of instant dinners and bedtime stories or movies.

By the end of the first week I had already had my class with red Cross and started my hunt for a shop with multiple shops showing interests with 3 main prospects that I saw promise in. I looked at my options and picked the shop I knew I could build my client list with. Joe thought I was crazy when I told him my pick.

In all the hunting and all the people we asked they all said the same one shop but to avoid it. I took that as my go to. Joe couldn’t understand why, so I had to explain it. No matter who we asked, in every genre of people they all knew that chain of shops. The chain that I’ll just call Diver City had 5 locations. They were spread out across the valley. Every person we asked said to avoid them. Every person said they didn’t have good artists or that they were rude or whatever excuse they made, but no matter what I knew everyone tried them. I figured if they all sucked no matter what I would shine and could at least get a chance at tons of customers. Joe saw my logic.

Once I picked I called them back and accepted their offer. After that it only took me a few days to get the health department papers in hand to start working.

The timing couldn’t have been better. Since our arrival to Vegas we were living off of the last of savings I had saved before leaving Florida. I had paid the cell phone ahead just in case so no matter what we had a live line. The daily expense of getting ice and the gas to get around were the only things we tried to spend on besides the occasional treat for Slater at the local gas station before taking her to the park everyday.

The day I started work we had $5 left to our name.

Joe dropped me off with hesitation. “If you don’t make anything we won’t be able to drive back to the house tonight, we are getting low on gas.” I watched him and we both understood this was the intense moment of truth if we were going to truly roll the dice or have to figure out another avenue. We had no one to fall back on and this was our hail Mary. He was going to take Slater to the park and use the last $5 to get her a hot dog and slurpee and enjoy the day at the park.

He drove off and I made it my mission to not leave empty handed that day.

Most of the guys were cocky and upset they had to share another station with some new chick that didn’t even start at the slower shops. The owners had put me instantly at their Strip location and the staff was not happy about it. They tried to be rude but I ignored it. It wasn’t the first time I encountered insecure men in this industry and it wouldn’t be the last.

I watched as they all bickered and then tried to price clients out of the water for basic tattoos.. I was in awe at the audacity they had and the ignorance. I watched as they turned away so many clients and only took the people that would pay the big price tag. So many times I was thinking that with their antics I would never get a chance to tattoo. The counter kids and the guys were always the ones to jump and quote prices, so I sat back and waited, hoping to at least do one tattoo even if it was small. But as luck would have it when it came to my turn in rotation the very first person that asked for a price, didn’t even blink when they quoted him a hefty price of $700.  He paid for it and jumped at the chance of getting into my chair before I had the chance to even know what he wanted. After I tattooed him he even tipped me another $200  and was on cloud nine telling me how he had just won a ton of money.  My mind was blown. In Florida, that was a good week, and to have a day like that was the luck of the draw. The Tattoo gods were smiling down on me and it was perfect timing.

Joe came to get me that night with a somber look in his eyes and asked meekly,”SO, can we get gas to get home?” I didn’t give way to my joy. “Yep” was all I said. He relaxed a bit. “Can we get some dinner too?” Once again I said “Yep.” Then he proceeded further. “So what can we afford?” That’s when I decided to throw him a bone,”Whatever we want, you want steak and eggs or maybe some Mexican food?”  He was curious now, “so how much did you make? ” That’s when I let him know the plan. “Well I cleared $500, so we are gonna get some gas, get dinner and dessert, and then go back to the house and pack up so we can get a weekly tomorrow morning before I come back to work.” We both started to beam. He was just as amazed as I was. “Fuck YES! Fucking love you, fuck yes Vegas!” As he high-fived me.

We both reveled in the moment knowing that this was just the start and all the stress and hard work was about to pay off.

We left the parking lot with a relaxed shine glowing from us both.

That night we went and feasted on the first real dinners in almost 4 weeks. Afterwards we went back to the house and packed up everything and cuddled into the blankets and watched a movie on the portable DVD player, while planning on our exit from squatting for the next morning. When we woke up the next morning, we cleared everything out, packed up everything and drove to a weekly ,not far from the strip. Even after dinner and getting gas we had enough to pay for the week and have some left over for groceries.  Joe dropped me off to get settled into the weekly while I worked to get us some more security financially.

The strip location didn’t disappoint. Even with the guys constantly trying to talk shit or discourage me I kept working. Everyday I did at least 1 tattoo and each day I brought home money. Once the guys finally noticed that I really didn’t care what they did and I stayed happy they started to be quieter. One of the guys finally asked me what my deal was. That’s when I told him, “it doesn’t matter what you guys do, I’m just happy to be making this money because back home 500$ was a good week, my best week was $1200, and in one week I surpassed both of those so you can bitch all you want I’m just happy to finally be able to provide for my family.”  After that he understood I really didn’t care as long as I was working and getting to tattoo.

Joe, Slater and I walked taller and smiled wider just knowing this was just the beginning of our life in Vegas.

I called Cindy and sent her money for the truck payment and checked in with her progress. Since it’s leaving left her with no real help she had been suffering to care for her mother. The money was an added help. She was happy to have the help financially on the truck and I agreed to try to help as best as possible while looking into building to get a place for her and her mother’s arrival.

Joe and I agreed that until Cindy arrived and we were more settled in a real apartment (and not just a weekly) that he should be a stay at home Dad so that Slater had care that we both trusted. We knew no one in the city and it was not the best of areas that we were staying in so I definitely didn’t trust any of the transients to watch her.

Everyday we would speed time together for breakfast before I went to work and while I was working Joe would take her to any local parks or the pool. After work every night we would have dinner and then explore the city some more together.

It was almost 3 months later that Joe and I finally agreed to just get married at one of the little chapels but we both agreed we wanted to take a little time to get the experience we wanted.

Ripples become Waves.

It was 2 days before the party and a day before my mother arrived that I sensed something wrong with Slater. I noticed a mirroring effect in her one eye and started to take notice. I had even noticed a slight lag in her muscle  function but chalked it up to a slight delay that could be perfectly normal but made sure to take note and start paying attention. 

Patti arrived 1 day before the party and into my mess of an apartment. I was in the middle of packing everything and trying to only keep out the things that we were going to toss after the move. I had been getting all the food and party supplies together while also still trying to work. It was a regular packing mess.

Patti immediately started to criticize everything from my sheets to the sippy cups and the disarray of the house. I knew instantly it was going to be a long weekend and looked forward to Monday when she was to go to her hotel that she had booked while we moved into our new place.

My old friend from highschool Rara had slowly been making her way into our lives again and was coming up to visit for the birthday party and to help me with Patti. Rara was used to Patti’s antics and consciously helped to buffer the situations that Patti would try to overrun. Slater had some issues with her baby teeth but the dentist had assured me that there was nothing to worry about for the long term since they were baby teeth and would be falling out eventually. Patti however made it a point to comment about it as much as possible. 

Joe had been stuck working all weekend but we both agreed it wasn’t a big deal since it would save him from some of the blows that I knew Patti would try to start. 

I always tried to give her the chance to be there yet  I felt like I was volunteering for a root canal every time she would be in the room.  No matter how much I tried, none of it was ever enough. She never gave any room for exception. If my sheets were dingy I never cleaned them in her eyes despite them being the oldest and most worn sheets I had. If my clothes were second hand, I looked like a homeless person. It was a never ending battle but I was trying to give her the chance to maybe relax and just enjoy the time with Slater. The never ending criticism coming from the one person who never paid mind or tried to truly help was daunting.

The birthday party was Saturday and Joe worked the night before until 7 am so I let him sleep and carried on. Patti criticized it. 

The entire party Patti did nothing but look down and talk down to every person at the party. She was absolutely dreadful and I found myself literally following behind her trying to ease the carnage. At one point Rara even pulled Patti aside to chastise her about her actions and sideways comments she made to everyone. Rara tried to warn her that if she didn’t stop she would lose Slater and I in one final act. Patti calmed down enough to at least salvage the rest of the party but every guest commented on her and her actions while saying their goodbyes to me as I profusely had to apologize for her antics.

I tried so hard to focus on Slater the whole time and just trying to get through the party that once it was done I was relieved to have Rara at my side to help buffer and dismantle the party afterwards and run interference once we were back in the apartment. 

Eventually Patti quieted and the night calmed and we went to bed. 

The next morning was Mother’s Day and Joe arrived home from a long night of working at the bar and came straight home to cook us Breakfast.

I awoke to the smell of pancakes and bacon and him trying to celebrate us and Patti wasted no time instantly laying in with insults like the day before. She awoke with a whole new resolve to lay in further and wouldn’t let anything rest bringing up everything she thought was wrong all over again. I kept trying to smooth over everything and she would not relent. I was at my breaking point when Joe finally snapped.

He laid into everything,telling her to just be quiet and enjoy just one damn breakfast and to drop it and asked her why she couldn’t just be grateful for the time together.

Patti reacted as if he had smacked her personally.

She shut down and in a pout like a child, decided to walk to Walmart to get out for a bit. 

We welcomed the idea. She left and we settled into breakfast. Joe profusely apologized as I told him he had nothing to apologize for since I was about to be that exact person if it wasn’t for his quickness.

We realized this was going to be a situation that she would now pout and we agreed to mull it over, he would apologize to her just to appease her and hope that she just relaxed and realized her badgering wasn’t needed.

That was the plan anyway.

When Patti Returned from the store she came with the smack to the face. She had gone to Walmart and bought new sheets for the bed, new sippy cups, along with some of the other items like a toothbrush. 

I tried to explain multiple times while she was in her rants that we had all of these things and that everything was packed for the move. I explained how everything that was out was to be thrown away so we had less to have to move and pack at the last second. It had fallen on deaf ears. As she pulled it all out I explained yet again and she made snide comments that she didn’t believe me and basically didn’t want to hear it. At that point Patti informed me that she was going to get a cab to the hotel and check in a day early. After explaining that there wasn’t a local cab company and if she just waited I would drive her to the hotel she agreed to wait outside while I got ready. Joe and I exchanged looks and he took it as his moment to apologize to try to lessen the burden of the day.  

I had a feeling to listen because I knew she would be nasty and I might need to interject. I stayed behind the door as he went into the walkway to speak to her. 

This was their conversation:

Joe: “Look Patti, I’m sorry for”

Patti: “ Don’t speak to me, I don’t care about you and nothing you says matter”

Joe:” look Patti, I’m just trying to apologize to you”

Patti: “I don’t care, nothing you say means Shit”

Joe: ”Patti look”

Patti: “Save It, You don’t matter”

This continued over and over ..

After the 3rd time of this repeating I heard the frustration in Joe and knew exactly how he felt.

That’s when he broke…

“Fuck it, I was trying to be nice but Fuck you and fuck this and Good riddance, get the fuck outta here and don’t come back and I hope your fucking plane crashes on the way back.”

Ugh…… 

He came storming into the house to only be met with me and instantly shifted energy into apologizing.{At that point I couldn’t be mad at him honestly}

She sat on that step wide eyed and instantly tried to play victim. Screaming how he threatened her and wished death on her.

All I could think of was God if she only knew how many times I had wished for the same damn thing. I couldn’t blame him. Not one bit.

I told her to just sit there and I was gonna change and take her. I shut the door on her to turn and see Joe wide eyed and breaking down apologizing. 

The stone was thrown…

I explained how I didn’t blame him but I would’ve left out the plane comment but understood where it came from. 

I changed and set out to endure the hell that was sitting on my steps. 

Once the car door was closed and we were inside she laid into the bullshit full force.

First came the accusations of him verbally attacking her (playing the victim)and if that’s the kind of man I want to be with then that’s horrible. 

That’s when I put it all to a screeching stop.

The dam broke and it all came flooding forth.

“ Yes, that’s the kind of man, one that will stand up to YOU because I was about to do the same damn thing. You are completely out of line and you haven’t stopped since you fucking landed.You were absolutely horrible to every single person at the birthday party while completely not listening and wanting to override any happiness and joy. You destroyed what was an amazingly nice gesture of him trying to cook and celebrate Mother’s Day and did nothing but decide to ruin any and all efforts that we made to just relax. Then to boot you bought all the things that I told you we didn’t need because we already have it all packed away and then you were nasty as hell to Joe when all he was trying to do was mull it all over and apologize, SO YES I would rather be with him than you.”

Silence. 

Yep. That’s all I wanted at that point. I dropped her off and told  her that if she still wanted to see Slater the next day while we moved, that’s fine but I would no longer be entertaining her.

She agreed and got out of the car into her hotel.

When I got home Joe was cleaning and playing with Slater but I could tell he was urgently awaiting my arrival. I couldn’t blame him one bit. Not ONE BIT. Patti was absolutely horrid and he felt worse for making the situation worse. We agreed to just relax and try to enjoy the rest of the day before the move the next day.

I told Rara of the day’s happenings and she wasn’t surprised in the least. Opting for a root canal… yep

The next day we dropped Slater off and went about the move. A day later Patti returned to Nashville.

It was about a week later that I really started to see the difference in Slater’s eye. I searched back through pictures of her from just before her birthday and then that week and you could see it clear as day where her one eye looked different in the lense and I’m the placement. 

I called the pediatrician and had her in within a week. He confirmed what I suspected. She had a cataract and it was making her eye a lazy eye. He recommended me to an optometrist not too far away. I called as I left the office and got an appointment for the next week. 

Over that week all I could think about was what could’ve caused it. 

The optometrist  confirmed what the pediatrician saw and ordered blood work. His theory was genetics even though there was no history on either side. 

And so the great pain of becoming a pin cushion for both Slater and I started. 

It was gut wrenching to watch her endure all the tests they kept putting her through. 

Patti had called to check in on her and now that I was dealing with the doctor’s all the time now she wanted to play supportive but still refused to talk to Joe at all. She would only talk to me when he wasn’t there and wanted nothing to do with him. 

The optometrist sent us to a specialist and they sent us to another specialist. Each new doctor wanted more blood work, each one wanted a second and third opinion. They couldn’t figure out how it had happened and no one would give direct answers except trying to blame it on a possible parasite from playing on the playground. When I researched about the parasite nothing showed cataracts as a side effect. It all made no sense. 

Finally the specialist they had sent me to after 6 doctors was a surgeon in Miami. It was 5 hours away but I was willing to do whatever I could to help her. He suggested surgery to fix it and help her lazy eye possibly right itself. 

We welcomed anything as long as it would help her. I wanted to give her the best chance at a normal life as best as possible. 

We couldn’t afford much at this time and every once of extra money was now going to gas to drive to the doctors and any extra co-pays from Medicaid. 

For the surgery they wanted to have us come down early in the morning and then return the next morning to follow up but seeing as Miami was so far I knew we needed a hotel closer so that we weren’t in the truck for almost 10 hours both days. 

Every hotel was too expensive, I couldn’t find anything on a low budget. I tried every avenue I could when the Ronald House was offered up and the only down side was it was still an hour away from the hospital. It was the only option that was viable for us so we made the arrangements. 

Patti tried to play into supposedly wanting to be there until the minute I told her I wasn’t sure if we would be able to get a second room since she didn’t want to be in the same room with Joe. That was when she got irate. “Why did he need to be there?!” Was her exact response. 

I couldn’t take it anymore. Here I had the weight of this surgery and stress of all of the doctors without any help from anyone except Joe, and she was trying to push him out. That’s when I lost all the filters. 

“Joe’s going to be there because that’s her Daddy, he’s been there since the day she was born. She loves him and wants him and he comforts her. He’s there for ME and comforts me, and if you can’t put your petty bullshit aside for 24 hours while your daughter and granddaughter go through an extremely stressful moment in their lives then don’t bother coming or calling ever again!” 

And I hung up the phone. 

She didn’t call back. 

We went to Miami and the morning of her surgery the woman who was supposed to give her the juice that was spiked with sleepy meds never gave it to her. Slater was a calm little girl waiting the whole time and we knew nothing about the meds. 

When they came to get her they took her and she started screaming. They whisked her outta my arms and took her down the hall in a quickness. The whole time I could hear her screaming “MOMMY”

My heart broke, and one of the nurses had to hold me back from chasing after her. I sobbed in the hallway while Joe was down the hall in the waiting area completely oblivious to it all. 

Once I got to him to wait for her in the recovery room one of the nurses saw how shook up I was and said that she should’ve been groggy and never should’ve been awake when they took her. We were pissed. 

Joe and I were now only trying to figure on when she returned. He went and got all her toys and blankets from the car and I awaited her arrival. They wheeled in a sleepy child but as soon as the meds wore off she was screaming so badly I had to hold her and rock her and the whole time she just kept screaming. We felt so helpless. Joe was trying to calm her down and we both were trying to keep it together when the original nurse that was supposed to give her the meds walked in and started yelling at us that we needed to calm her down and get her quiet because she was scaring the other kids. That is when Joe lost it on her yelling about how she wouldn’t have been this upset if she had actually given the sleepy meds in the first place. She had written us off from the get go.  Now he’s screaming and she went running. It took us 35 minutes to calm her down while she kept grabbing my hand and putting it over her patched eye. The other nurses came in to defuse the situation and remove the other nurse and profusely apologized but the harm had already been done.

As a parent there’s no worse of a hell than watching your child be in great pain and fear like that. 

I could totally understand why people went postal in hospitals after that day. 

We went to the Ronald House to recover and returned to see the surgeon the next morning. 

The surgeon was a great guy and I couldn’t blame him for the nurses horrible act. He apologized when he saw us immediately. After going over everything he told me that when he pulled her cataract out that he had never been able to identify exactly what happened but hypothesized that it could be the parasite but it was extremely rare and she got lucky if it was. He said he did the blood work and everything came back clear so now it was all about recovery. We left with no real answers but a plan to help her gain her vision back. 

Slater hated her healing routine. She hated the patches, despised the drops. It was a neverending battle to try to get her to do the drops and exercises. Who could blame her. She was only 2 and didn’t understand any of it. 

For Halloween that year we tried to make it fun and give her a pirate costume since she still needed to wear the patch. Every time the patch went on the opposite eye to do exercises, she went to sleep.

Eye drops were the bane of our existence. 

The eye doctor appointments were still monthly and an even bigger fight. 

My child was traumatized and it was frustrating. 

Patti never called. 

The tattoo shop crew had become a huge drama since Sr. Died so I changed shops to get at least a break at work from the chaos. 

I found another shop up the road and knew it was going to be good when the first words outta the first guy I met when I walked in the door were “So you get tired of the drama?” 

He didn’t even know me(that I knew of) but obviously heard of me working there. 

I met the owners Rocky and Fatman. Rocky was an old-school biker military vet that was the stern dad archetype. Fatman was a Big Bald head Hawaiian print shirt in flip flop type of guy with a more relaxed demeanor. Fatman smiled and left Rocky and I to talk. Rocky took one look at me and said “ I don’t like girls in shops” I could understand so I replied, “Neither do I, they’re to much drama” 

He cocked his eyebrow, cracked a smile and told me I started tomorrow and he was giving me a week long trial. That’s all I needed. Fatman smiled at me as I left and welcomed me to the South Florida Tattoo Company. 

I started the next day and stayed in my booth. The guys would occasionally come over and ask questions but I kept to myself mostly. I kept busy with whatever I could. When I wasn’t home with the family I was working and that was enough. 

After a month Rocky asked me into his office to inform me that he was moving me to the South shop with 2 others and I would be the one to watch over everyone.  I thought he was just trying to pawn me off,but Fatman later told me he had grown a respect for me with my work ethic and I was basically going to manage the shop for him. It was an honor no matter what way you looked at it. 

The South shop was around the corner from our apartment so it worked out even better. Joe and Slater could come and visit easily and the crew didn’t mind if I needed to bring her into the shop if I didn’t have a sitter. I would set up a corner in my station under one of the counters with a blanket and toys or books and she could hang there if I had to tattoo or watch TV with me while we waited on customers. 

It was exactly what I needed to be able to keep going. 

Joe had quit the bar after getting hurt in a bar right that put him down for a month with a torn ACL. So after talking to a client he ended up landing a job as a security officer with a gated community. It was a relief to be able to have him closer and with a network of people that understood what it took to raise a child. 

Rocky and Fatman would call and check in daily or stop in weekly to oversee everything and make sure everything was good. They became like mom and dad.. everyone in the shop gave them that title. 

Rocky and I would talk about life and after a while it was car talk since he knew I loved classic cars. It was around the time when he finished his project car that he started to separate from his wife. 

He would call just to vent and I knew he just needed an ear. Joe got a little insecure but once he realized there was no connection romantically he calmed down. 

Before working there we had befriended a woman Cindy whose mother was progressing with dementia and altimerz. Cindy would help us take care of Slater with babysitting and Slater would help Cindy’s mother stay busy and more engaged. We would help Cindy watch her mom or take her to doctors appointments when needed and it was a great friendship. 

Slater was almost 3 when she started getting what looked like puss filled boils once in a while on the back of her legs. After a few painful ordeals of trying to get rid of them with medication I found a natural home remedy that got rid of them without any pain and in barely any time. It was after a process of elimination that we figured out that they were caused by yogurt cups that she was drinking. 

The doctor’s visits and constant stress of not making very much was starting to wear on us and I kept talking to Joe about starting over in a more financially profitable city. The only thing we were waiting on was for Slater to be cleared medically. 

I loved the shop and the crew but I knew we needed to be able to do more if we wanted to thrive. 

We discussed the different areas and after much consideration and then consulting my psychic advisor (the magic 8 ball) we decided on Las Vegas.

Joe and I decided to scope it out once we got the tax return back that year to see if that would be the best option. 

We got Rara to come stay for the week and Cindy was to help since she now wanted to join in the move with her mom if we decided to go. 

We packed our bags and set off to Las Vegas for our scouting trip. 

Only one way to go from Here

I blew up an air mattress and started by hooking up the TV to the DVD player. I was now in Port St. Lucie, alone with just my daughter and I in an empty apartment, but it felt like it was the most relaxing thing I had experienced in almost 3 years.
The apartment was behind a Walmart so at least my food and shopping were close in the event of an emergency. I had my snake tank, a large duffel bag of my clothes and the pack n play and stroller for Slater, along with all her clothes and toys I had collected for her with whatever I could save. I slept soundly on that air mattress and would have cared less about furniture, as long as Slater had everything she needed.
I had learned of her milk allergy just a week before while sitting in traffic next to a trucker. We were stuck there for a few hours and while I shut off my car and fed her. The trucker came down to visit me and saw her slight rash that the doctors had brushed off as milk bumps.  He informed me of his grandson having the same allergy and it all made sense. After the traffic cleared I went straight to the store and got a different formula and now her colic was gone and her fussiness was down to bare minimum. (I still think about that trucker and wish I could thank him) Slater’s colic disappeared and her fussiness went away almost instantly. Even the rash “milk bumps” were gone after only 1 day and there were no more hints of diaper rash.

Work was not far away so I made sure to bring the pack and play to the office so that I could have a place set for her there. I had one other guy in the office and he was the drafter for the land surveying company I would be doing data processing for.
John was a tall,thin guy that kept to himself. He showed me my things and basically would disappear into his office for the rest of the day. It was a complete flip from last year and I was happy to have it .
Work was easy for the most part, mainly a lot of printing and making folders for the surveys and speaking on phone calls from the title companies. Slater would get crankie from time to time but it was usually for food or a diaper change. As luck would have it there was a pediatrician right down stairs from the office so it made life much easier.
It wasn’t even a month later that my car got repoed because I was more worried about providing for my daughter than I was about making the payment. Between the rent and trying to pay back Sue and her husband I wasn’t really worried about the car since work was only about 2 miles from the apartment.It was taken the morning I was actually set to sell it so I took it as a loss and just planned on walking to work.
I would load Slater up in the stroller and walk everyday to and from work, rain or shine.
During the month Joe called every 3 days. He would call to check in but I could hear his depression through the phone. His best friend’s girlfriend and I had become close and she was constantly giving me play by play updates on everything that happened in my absence.
The day I moved out, Shawna had thrown a party and tried hooking  Joe up with a chick that she wanted to keep around. He had gone with it and since my exit had been with a few women. I really didn’t care but Ali(the friend’s girlfriend) told me how he only looked like he was just going through the motions and was otherwise miserable.
Honestly I figured it would go that way so nothing she told me was a surprise. Only surprise was that he kept calling me to check up on us. I figured he would walk away and never look back so I chalked it up to a guilty conscience.
Once my car got repoed, Joe started coming up to visit randomly. He would make the excuse that he didn’t want me walking in the rain, or if it was hot out. Either way it was my burden to carry and I had learned to deal with anything since my life seemed to be one joke after another.
I had been given furniture by a family friend and had started slowly filling the apartment. I had been trying to save every penny to pay bills and pay my girlfriend and her husband back for their generosity.
I would go to the pool, Park or  Walmart when I wasn’t working. I made a few friends with other moms in the area and started building friendships. They saw the raw end of my struggle and were amazing in trying to help in any way they could in showing me how to cope with my situation.
I was getting by and just trying to keep going, no matter what life was throwing at me. The other women in my office building would come to check in on me and my daughter. The random women that gave me just a daily nod helped in so many ways that no family member ever did. I’ll forever be grateful to all those mom’s.
One day the office staff from the office next door to ours, came to check in on me and informed me that they had received a call about me. They were child protective services and I had no clue since I never really paid attention to their business. I always just kept my head down and worked, only speaking when spoken to. Someone had made accusations that my daughter was neglected but they knew better so they decided to completely ignore the call since they saw us daily and knew she was well taken care of. I had figured it was Shawna just trying to pull another stint since she wasn’t winning with Joe. But looking back I know now that it wasn’t her.
Around the fourth of July I finally had enough of Joe and his wish wash antics. He had tried to come and talk but it was more to extend the offer for sex and I wasn’t going to muddle the waters.I decided I was done and going to make the move to get him to just move on. Ali and I planned on ditching the guys and going out on our own for the holiday. I told Joe I had a date with an old ex that I had run into just so he would leave me alone and I could give him the clear consideration that he didn’t need to feel guilty to stick around.
Ali and I went to another mom’s house that was throwing a bar b que. We spent the day enjoying it all and turned off the cellphone so that I didn’t have to worry about any more distractions.
The day was a success of fun and sun and by the end of it both Slater and I were worn out and really ready to sleep. The next day I had off and was ready to relax. Ali had gone home that night. I turned on my phone to hear a ton of messages from Joe. I called him back to settle the conversation. He was worried about me since my phone was off but I simply explained how it was just so I could enjoy my time. He settled after that and seemed to relax.  I could tell he was still uneasy enough though of me dating. Joe tried to pry into the events of the day but I left it basic. We hung up on decent terms but I knew it wouldn’t be the last I heard from him. 
I returned to work as usual and life continued.
2 days later after work, Joe showed up on my doorstep. He was visibly hesitant to even be at my door. I let him in so that I could cook myself my dinner and talk. He was mentally at war internally and I could see it. He stood there quietly, I finally asked what brought him to my door. He broke the silence. He had been driving back and forth on the highway for over the last hour. Everytime he would turn back to go home, he would turn back around towards me. He admitted he was confused and needed to talk. I sat down and let him spill his feelings. He confessed that he missed me and my daughter. That he hated being separated from us and constantly wished he could just pick up the phone and talk to me but he didn’t know what to do. He admitted that the minute he heard I had a date, he hated every second that I didn’t answer the phone. He broke down crying saying that he didn’t want to lose us and he couldn’t bear not being without me anymore.  I admit I missed him but I also wasn’t going to cave if it was going to be temporary and all he wanted was sex. I explained that I didn’t know why he stayed with Shawna after I left and I still felt like he was somehow being loyal to her and I didn’t trust it.
That was when he let the cat out of the bag.
Shawna had originally asked him to hook up with me as a favor.
For a man trying to plead his case I couldn’t hear a single word as every moment we spent together ran in my head and was all now tainted by the thought that Shawna had set it up to keep me close for her husband that had a pregnancy fetish. I felt sick. I was now enraged. Why come back? Was it another favor to her? Was it all a set up, and for what!?! Why continue coming back, what else did they want from me?
I voiced every question that rambled in my head and he stammered to plead and answer every one. Then the final question. Why are you here then? That’s when he looked me in the eyes with tears running down his cheeks and answered. “Because, at first it was a favor but, despite it all, I fell in love with you.”

I needed a minute. My head was spinning and there were so many questions reeling in my head. What if it’s all a lie? What if he’s just going to leave again? Could I truly trust him again? Should I trust him? What was the end game with all of this? Was this a sick game to mentally screw with me? I mean I had already dealt with my sociopath family and their antics so why should I trust someone who just showed me they played that same game.
When I was done in my head, I looked up to see him crying and pleading to forgive him.
I did love the idea of our relationship before and Slater loved him, she would calm down when he was around. They had a bond that was unspoken.
I decided to give him a chance but with major boundaries. My first rule was absolutely no more lies.  If he wanted to come back to us then I wouldn’t put up with it. My second rule was absolutely no Shawna in either of our lives. If he wanted to stay with her then we wouldn’t be together. And the rest of my boundaries and warnings followed from there.
After a couple hours of talking he decided to move out of Shawna and J ‘s place the next morning and in with me. We spent the rest of the night talking and dealing with Slater and her needs for feeding and changing.

I had said my peace on the whole subject of Shawna and we had come to an understanding that no matter what there was to be no more lies. He was working at the bar as a bouncer and I knew that despite him wanting to be with me, that temptation would be in his face daily. We came to an agreement that no matter what there would be no lies, no switching of phone numbers and no second times with anyone he might get involved with at the bar. I figured that no matter how hard he might try to avoid the drunken girls, I also knew how they would throw themselves at him. I also figured if he was going to leave, he was going to leave no matter how hard I tried, so I mine as well just let life show me what he wanted. There was no amount of arguing or fighting that was worth keeping someone who didn’t want to be there. All I wanted was honesty and peace, that was all I cared about anymore.

Joe moved in and now we rotated schedules with work. He worked nights and I worked days so once he got home I’d take his truck to work with Slater and he got to sleep undisturbed until mid afternoon. The schedules worked out perfectly.
I was now in contact with Patti on a rare occasion since she reached back out and would try to keep it civil. She would call to touch base and usually complain about whatever was the new gripe of the week. Jane had tried to send a crib to my place but I sent it back. I didn’t want anything to do with her. She had done enough and I wasn’t going to give her any room to come back and taint Slater and I’s life.
Joe and I moved into a groove. We worked 5 days a week each and rotated out schedules so that we were always with Slater and always had down time.
The CPS workers even consulted us and added us to the local church Angel tree for Christmas that year, knowing I was extremely tight on funds.  It was just what we needed. I felt horrible that I didn’t have much but I also was putting every ounce into surviving and trying to get furniture. At night, while Joe was at work,I would sew any curtains or clothes I could for Slater. I would spend the night painting or cleaning up whatever furniture I could get my hands on bulk garbage day. Thankfully with Walmart in walking distance I had access to tons of crafty things to help me keep occupied.
I would do my crafts until it was around 2 or 3 am and then go to sleep, then around 7am Joe would come home just in time to give Slater her morning feeding. After her morning feeding they would both lay down and I had time to get ready for work without distraction. Slater and I would set off for work around 9am and Joe would crash out for the day. While I was at work Slater hung out in the pack and play, watching movies and playing with her toys. My work day usually ended by 5pm and we would head home just in time for Joe to be up and watch Slater while I cooked dinner before he had to leave for work for the night. It was a basic schedule that worked.
I didn’t see getting a car as a possibility since we were barely scraping by most months. Joe would take the truck to work and while he slept I took it to do any errands I needed. I had every ounce of time taken to either work or taking care of Slater, so my art took a back burner while I tried to at least level out the finances. I would still tattoo any close friends at my place late at night while Slater slept to keep myself at least in the mindset.
I appreciated the factor of working at the office but  I knew it wasn’t a long term job. I hated working all day in the office staring at the computer and files, it was soul sucking some days. Slater would settle in and deal with the routine but she would also get restless. The girls in the office next door would provide a nice break from time to time even if it was just long enough for me to go to the bathroom or to get just some other adult women time to talk to people who understood the challenges of having a baby.
Most everyone I knew from my hometown didn’t bother to call me back , let alone actually be present in my life. It was as if all my old friends disappeared.
The biggest solace I found was at the neighborhood pool. I had met some of the other local residents and a single mom of two, Jan. Jan worked as a masseuse and had the girls full time so we became babysitter buddies. I would watch her girls from time to time and she would help with slater when needed.
After almost a year of working in the office I decided it was time to try to get back into tattooing again. I found a local shop and went in one day after work. We talked and I was hired to work weekends so that I didn’t have to worry about taking over my other work schedule and a paycut.  The shop was decently busy but not constant.
Patti and I had conversed and visited here and there when we could with her in Nashville.
I kept the schedule for a while until John at the Surveying company had started to lag in his work. I had repeatedly found jobs he had ignored or had hidden from me and I was starting to get slack from the other office with them thinking it was me not doing my job. It wasn’t until I found over 20 jobs he hadn’t logged in and hidden that I realized that the job was coming to a close. The main office wanted me to regulate him and basically hover over him and I didn’t want to be in the position  of mothering someone who knew better and choosing to do it.

I talked to my friend Sue and let her know of my standing and we agreed that it was a fruitless battle so they decided to bring him to their office and close the North office. We kept our friendship since I had kept my word and paid them back.

I moved on to the tattoo studio full-time.
Joe and I settled into a great routine and really started to enjoy our time raising Slater.
I loved watching her grow as a human. Seeing her interact with everything and everyone.
The other artist and owner of the shop seemed really awesome with the whole experience. The shop’s owner was Dan Jr. And his father owned another shop up the road and it was run by Dan Sr.

Senior Would call regularly and talk shop with me when Junior wasn’t present.  Senior’s ex wife {Juniors mom} was also an artist that opened her own permanent make-up salon not far around as well so it was a family of artists that I was surrounded by. I loved watching their dynamic of constantly still helping each other and still looking out for each other.
I started to make friends with the local bartender next to the shop (I went there all the time for change)and Joe was still working at the bar down in West Palm enjoying the friends he had made there as well.
I was going through the routine of life. Working, play dates, family days, social days with friends, doctors appointments and just living.
It was a beautiful flow to it all.
Slater was almost 2 and I started planning her birthday. Joe and I had decided to move into a different apartment and it was all going to happen the same weekend as Slater’s 2nd birthday.
Patti had decided to come join us for what was looking to be a crazy weekend between the birthday party, Mother’s Day and then moving the Monday following.
Slater had her round of vaccines due the week before and we moved forward with life.
Little did I know that this was the stone thrown into the pond that was to ripple into the waves in our lives.

The New Life
I decided to go to a tattoo shop that I had worked at briefly years before that was further North of Boca to get a job for the evenings. I knew that I didn’t want to be home as much as possible with Patti and I needed money flow to help pay for the baby. When I went, the old owner was happy to see my return.
The new manager Jason was a large guy that definitely had more ego than looks and he reminded me of a chubby Viking. His wife Shawna was a beautiful blonde that did piercings at the shop and worked only when needed. There were 2 other guys there around my age but both were still learning and pretty mellow. It was perfect for a place to escape to from Boca while making money.
I told Patti that I planned on only staying as long as I needed and I should be working a lot until everything straightened out. She basically just went about life as normal but would complain that I wasn’t home much.
I was working most of the days as the front end cashier manager at Whole Foods and my evenings were now at the tattoo shop. Any time in between I worked doing any job I could. I would balance everything and do cocktail waitressing on the occasional major event with the clubs I knew. Anything to make money to get my own place faster and pay off my doctor.
It was 3 weeks into working at the tattoo shop. While sitting in my station one evening I saw a tall dark haired guy walk in with his back turned away from me. It looked and smelt like T from Pennsylvania. My immediate reaction was shock and before I could stop myself I blurted out “What the Fuck are you doing here?” The stranger turned to me and that’s when I realized it wasn’t T. There he stood smiling as I’m sure my face said it all. I profusely apologized,  “ I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else” He smiled wider and laughed it off. Asking me who I thought he was. I tried to brush it off and tell him an ex but he cocked an eyebrow in interest. I ignored it and asked him if I could help him. He was a bouncer from the pool hall next door and came over to see if we had any change for some large bills.
I checked and gave him the change I had. He smiled and exited while saying he would see me later.
Shawna caught the tail end of the exchange and started in with the questions. She thought it was funny how I mistook him for my ex, and started asking about my past. I really didn’t want to get too much into my past at that point so I kept it short. She caught on fairly quick that I was not in the market for anyone since the last one left me with a big mess and a bun in the oven.
After she learned about the baby, that’s all she would go on about. She would tell me all about her pregnancies with her kids and how her husband loved it when she was pregnant and so on. I liked being able to ask her questions from time to time but otherwise it was more of an overkill of conversations about sex mostly.  I was good. I just wanted to pay my bills and get started on moving forward.
The bouncer from the pool hall, Joe started coming to the shop almost daily. He would stop in and try to flirt with me. Don’t get me wrong, he was cute, standing at 6’6” with dark hair with some gray here and there and brown eyes. He reminded me too much of T though. He wore the same style clothes, cologne and listened to the same kind of music. He would come into the shop trying to be smooth, stand close to me and smile. I told him, if he was anything like the guy I originally thought he was, that we were not good together and to just give it up. He would smile and laugh and keep trying. One day I finally just turned to him and told him. “I’m insta family, just add water and here comes the baby, do you really want to deal with that kinda headache?” He just smiled and cocked his head slightly looked me up and down then answered ” I’m down.”
He was cocky and persistent. I’d give him that. But I still wasn’t looking to be with anyone. I had enough on my plate. The last thing I needed or wanted in my life was another person to screw me over and show me how bad my love life decisions were.

Florida was on target for 3 hurricanes that September and they all came barreling in one after another in less than 2 weeks time. The grocery store was chaos and the shop basically closed for the week.The first 2 hurricanes came through and left carnage everywhere so I jumped into helping clear drains in the complex and cut trees. I started cooking over the fireplace on the grill while Patti watched me as I plowed through no matter what was going on. She was always bewildered at my survival without any normal amenities.  The day of the last hurricane I had spotting and my heart sank. Panic set in. I instantly feared the loss of this unexpected baby. Patti took me to the hospital, only to see the beautiful baby girl waving back at me in the ultrasound. I remember looking at her little body almost looking right at me and waving in the ultrasound and thinking, “ We got this, no matter what, we got this.”
Thankfully she was fine but they worried that it might be a blood vessel and just wanted me to take care. Since I had already miscarried before, I now worried daily to make sure I gave myself the self care I needed.
In the wake of the first storms I was helping wield the chainsaw and cut down trees in our path of the streets and moving large pieces of wood and debris but now I would recheck myself and delegate it to others.

Patti was occasionally acting like she wanted to be in the baby’s life but I could tell she really was more interested in the social aspect of it.There was no baby clothes shopping or trying to stock up on anything.  She was already thinking about the baby shower and I was just trying to get through the days. I had gotten my account back to normal fairly quickly and got my car rekeyed so now it was all about paying off the childbirth so that I wouldn’t have that over my head.
I was filing for any financial aid through the state to help but kept getting stonewalled.
While working the day shift at Whole Foods my daytime manager was causing as many obstacles as she could. She had taken a personal vendetta towards me after I had stood my ground for her misconduct towards me in front of customers. I was now the object of her hate.
I couldn’t catch a break.
The other front end managers that worked with me were feeling it too. The manager slowly started to fire each one because they wouldn’t fire me. I had moved up the ladder very quickly in the time I was there and the whole front end counter team counted on me more than most. The accountant even wanted to make me her assistant since I was so effective at my job. Every day the manager would try to find any way she could to pick at me and each time her ego would take a hit when the other team members would eliminate her leverage.
I knew that the job wasn’t going to be forever with whole foods but I was trying to buy time so that I could keep money coming in and have medical coverage if anything.
Between Patti and the Manager at Whole Foods I was always just waiting on the mood swings of the other women around me. I always thought that was ironic since isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?
Joe was persistent in his efforts to visit the shop while I was there. He was growing on me but I constantly pushed the envelope to see if he would run. I didn’t need any more drama in my life. I would go to the adult store around the corner for visual references often and now Joe would opt to walk with me. Over time I started enjoying his company and finally gave in to his persistent flirting.
The pregnancy was making my hormones jump and sexual urges were a new world that I didn’t expect.
Finally after Joe tried yet again to crack a joke I gave in and told him that I wasn’t looking for a baby daddy, I wasn’t looking for the man of my dreams, I just wanted to have sex. He offered himself completely. I constantly was in a mental battle of if I should even do it so I settled the argument in my head by telling Joe to give me a kiss first. If the kiss sucked and there was no energy, the problem was solved, but if it was good then no harm, no foul.
He leaned in and kissed me and I could feel energy, whether it was the hormones or not. Now, I wanted to at least enjoy some sexual release. I figured at least I could have someone as a safe space to let off steam with.
I gave him my address and told him to meet me there after work.
In all honesty I’m not going into pregnancy sex detail but it was fun and even a little comical.
Afterwards I let him know that in a normal situation, I would kick him out, but it was late and at least a 45 minute drive back to the house. Between the exhaustion and him being at least a relaxing conversation, I let him stay. I was too tired to be the one to force any confrontation.
After that he would frequent the shop more and more and started showing up at my place even when he was supposed to be working. I always wondered why, since he had a group of girls from the pool hall that would constantly trail after him. I constantly gave him the chance to go elsewhere when they would try to make plans but he would always blow them off. I kept trying to get through to him that once the baby would arrive I knew the dynamic would change, but he refused to listen. I took it as I was just the safer option,you know, can’t get a pregnant girl pregnant.
Patti started to get wary of Joe being around.
She casually commented that she thought we needed to do a background check on him. I couldn’t stop laughing, coming from the woman who had a track record that was front page news multiple times. She didn’t like when I pointed out that fact. So then she started to focus on the shower, it was a more welcome conversation. Patti had a laundry list of people she wanted to invite and started arguing that she wanted Jane to attend. There was no way in hell I wanted Jane back in my life, let alone near my child for her to steal from in the future as well. This became a heated topic at home to the point where Patti threatened to not even have the shower at all. I knew it wouldn’t ever happen anyway since she kept selecting the most expensive places to pick for a location and we didn’t have the money.I want going to be able to afford it and I knew she didn’t have it since I was giving her money whenever she needed it for bills. No matter how many times I tried to point out the obvious lack of funding Patti would become more irate. I was always trying to reign in her spending. I was paying for groceries and stocking the fridge most of the time since I had a discount with whole foods and giving her and my doctor the rest of my money most of the time to keep the overhead down on bills. Patti always tried to overspend where it wasn’t needed and when it was needed she would ignore it and completely deflect.
I was just starting to save here and there when Patti went out of town to Nashville to do hair for an event.
She was gone for 1 week, and it was a relaxing week. The day she returned she came home, put her luggage down and blurted out that she had bought a house in Nashville and we were moving in less than 4 months.
It was a huge shock to the system. Patti was pissed when I started asking questions. She wanted me to blindly follow but I knew our track record. There were too many issues. She expected to move before I gave birth, yet I was a high risk pregnancy and she didn’t care. When I brought up that I didn’t want to move to a new place when I was at high risk and did not know where the hospital was or the route to get there, let alone the issue of moving anything while being very pregnant, she instantly blamed me saying that she knew I would back out of going. She blamed me for thinking logically for myself and yet she never once asked me before she bought the house if I would want to go. She was stuck in this delusion that she was going to have everything magically happen but would never look at the reality that all she did was make more work for me and leave me to be her servant.
This was just another notch in the board.
The constant berating started after that. Any moment I was home she would bark orders of what she wanted packed. One of my only mornings off where Joe and I planned on sleeping in finally, she came barging in at 7am demanding I go to the Dunkin donuts and get her coffee. Joe was constantly left speechless with her antics. I was getting bigger and bigger by the weeks. As winter approached Patti became more frantic about packing and began pressing me to move heavy objects, so instead Joe would take the job. We both agreed she was acting as though she wanted me to miscarry and was trying to do everything she could to make me miserable.
Looking back it saddens me to think how I took that treatment instead of realizing that I was never going to have the loving connection and care of my mother that one would in that time of their life. I was nothing but a means to get things done for her and a money stream when she didn’t want to take responsibility.
After the new year I decided to take Joe on a trip to the keys to break free from Patti’s tactics and give us a break. He had never been, I missed it terribly and longed for a break from all the stress.
Between the manager at Whole Foods, Patti and the constant flow of girls always still trying to text or call Joe, we both always were just trying to get a minute to breathe.
We went for 3 days and had a blast. I loved watching him enjoy the experience as we went to my favorite places and he met people I knew from a life not too long ago. I knew the hotel staff and they upgraded our room to the Presidential suite. The suite overlooked the main drag. It was massive and relaxing.We ate at my favorite places, I took him to my favorite spots and we even got to see the key deer . Joe was shocked to see me surrounded by the deer as they came to me and licked my hands and let me pet them.
When it came time to leave I was reluctant. The friends I knew even tried to give me options for job openings they knew I would be hired at, but in the end I knew I needed to stay closer to my doctor in Boca for the baby.
We returned to Boca feeling refreshed and went back to normal life.
Joe would persistently request that I make us official but I didn’t need to. I figured if he wanted to be there he would. I had not looked further into anything with anyone else and Joe occupied most of my free time. I was done expecting anything of anyone.
It was not long after Valentine’s Day when Patti really flipped her lid and was getting down to the wires on moving day.
Shawna and J offered their couch to me until I could find a place, knowing I was now getting more and more stressed. They were going to be moving into a bigger home and offered that we be roommates so the option was the best move I could see on the table.
I packed up after a huge blow out with Patti that ended in her stating that there would be no baby shower since Jane wasn’t allowed to come.
I had gotten used to the strings in my family and knew that it would never happen to begin with. I knew she was just making an excuse. It was my exit from there. I knew it would only get worse if I stayed and knew when to take my cue.
I packed my car and landed on their couch in the middle of March. I was feeling defeated that here I was pregnant and not even able to get an apartment yet since I’d already spent all my money with the doctors and medical bills while paying Patti and barely had much but I was starting to stock up baby items whenever I could. I had saved boxes of wipes with some diapers and gotten myself a pack and play along with the stroller car seat combo. Some co workers and friends occasionally gifted me with clothes or little toys but all in all I had maybe a small duffle bag full of items for the baby.
The morning after I moved on the couch, my phone rang early that morning and without looking I answered. It was Erk. He was working in J and Shawna’s neighborhood, spotted my car and called to ask if it was me .
My flight or fight kicked in. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!? What are the fucking odds!?!?
He wanted to see me. I was in panic mode even more. What was I going to tell him as to why I’m the size of a house and obviously pregnant. I was panicking and Joe could see it. I hung up telling him I would call him back in a minute, I needed to pee.
I got off the phone and Joe dove into the excuses we could give. I could say it was his, but I wouldn’t be this big. I knew if I said I cheated, he would lose it and I didn’t need that drama. So we came up with an excuse. I would tell him it was Joe’s and I was pregnant with twins. That seemed like the most believable that would keep him at bay. All I knew was that I didn’t want to invite his bullshit into my life.
He called me before I could call him back and I dove into our story. He now really wanted to see me. I walked out to see him 2 houses down waiting for me. He tried to apologize for his actions and had a ton of questions as to why I ended up there. I told him that Joe and I had just moved in together and that we were expecting twins. I lied and said I was 5 months along since my size was believable for having twins. He wondered when we had met and I had lied and said that before he had pulled his stunt that Joe was a friend but helped during the cleanup and that was how we ended up together.  By the end of the conversation he seemed to understand I didn’t want him near me and we went our separate ways.
Joe and I just kept to ourselves as much as possible.
He had started sleeping on the couch next to me every night and basically moved in with me.
Shawna and J got free babysitting with us there and the kids were always a pleasure to hang out with. I would cook breakfast and  dinner as much as possible.
After a couple of weeks I took early maternity leave at Whole Foods so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the manager anymore since her antics were getting more and more irritating. I was glad to be rid of all the extra drama. Shawna and J didn’t seem like drama at first but then as time went on, Joey and I noticed that Shawna thrived on stirring the pot with people. We both just tried to keep out of the line of fire.
In all the months that passed I kept applying for Medicaid and kept getting denied and it wasn’t until 3 weeks before I gave birth that I finally got approved. It gave me a sigh of relief to know that if anything happened I wouldn’t be drowning in more debt.
It was at the same time that we all moved into the bigger house together. Joe and I were supposed to get our own room but in the end Joe and I ended up having to partition the dining room to make our own space. It wasn’t ideal but I figured all I needed was to get through the next 6 months at most.
I watched as Shawna lied and cheated on her husband constantly and would use us to defer the kids’ attention. I knew this would be another short lived situation and was trying to get my ducks in a row as to at least line up babysitters for me so I could work to get us out of there as soon as possible.
The morning I went into labor all I could think about was making sure I tried to just stay calm and get as relaxed as possible.  She had punctured the top of my amniotic sac so it was a small trickle every 20-30 minutes. I drove to the hospital while Joe ate the sandwich I made for him. Once in the hospital at noon,  the doctor checked in and predicted the baby wouldn’t make her arrival until later that night. Joe and I settled in for the day. He knew I didn’t want any distractions during our time. He knew I had more than enough the whole time and instructed the staff to not let anyone that wasn’t approved into the room. We only had 2 people on the list that we trusted.
My daughter Slater was born at 4:30pm with no complications. Joe cried and I was just thankful that it was done. It wasn’t hard labor, it was just uncomfortable and I didn’t like the nurses that were trying to constantly convince me to take drugs when I didn’t need them.

When it was time to get to the recovery room, we were both excited for the privacy. We spent 3 days in the hospital enjoying the quiet and beginning days of motherhood. 

I was discharged and sent home on Mother’s Day. 

Joe drove home doing the exact speed limit the whole way and was in hyper alert mode.

We settled into the makeshift room and the first night was the hardest. 

I had been told  colic was the cause of my daughter’s gas and fussiness. She was inconsolable. Thankfully Shawna showed me how to ease it and gave me a second to eat at one point. I would walk up and down the street most of the night every night so that I wouldn’t disturb the family. Tension started to build instantly after I got home and I could feel it, so I tried to give space. Slater would calm down just in time for feeding again and start all over again.

Erk called the day after I arrived home. I knew he was fishing. I told him I went into labor early and lost one of the twins and didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with him. I could tell he wanted confirmation that it was his but I wouldn’t give him that. I had long decided that he would not be in our lives unless I had proof that he was clean and sober for at least 2 years straight. Thankfully he took the hint and hung up without an argument. The last thing I wanted was more drama and issues and it seemed like that was all I was getting from people. I was hoping everyone would just be decent. 

After a few days of spending time with Slater ,I knew I had to go back to work if I was going to change the living situation. It wasn’t very comfortable and I was tired of walking on eggshells with the baby if she cried, which was almost every 3 hours.

I had booked an appointment and asked Joe to watch the baby and agreed that if anything he could bring her to the shop mid appointment for a break. I was almost to the shop when my client called me wondering if everything was ok. He had arrived to find my station packed up and J had informed him that I had been fired. It was all news to me and my client knew it. Thankfully he was understanding and caring enough that he paid up front so that I could at least have diaper money and something to start my journey elsewhere and he promised to be patient.

I arrived to find him waiting in the parking lot. We talked and I went in to gather my things. After I packed up my things I drove back to the house. 

Joe seemed to not be completely side swiped like I was, so I started to see that it was time to go. I knew he was only  going to be temporary and once the baby arrived he would flip the switch so it came as no surprise and it wasn’t a hard blow.

I called a friend Sue and she immediately got to work on helping me figure out where to go. 

Later that evening I isolated myself from the rest of the house while they all went in the pool. I had finally gotten Slater to sleep and just wanted to relax when there was a knock at the door. 

I answered to find Mike, a local police officer looking at me confused. He was responding to a call that Shawna had made claiming I was throwing furniture at them in the pool and causing issues and she wanted me removed. He looked at me and he saw Slater sleeping calmly in my arms and knew it was all a lie. Shawna came rolling up behind me in a wheelchair that just basically appeared out of nowhere.

We shared a look and she pushed past me to fuel her lie and talk to him. After they were done she rolled past me like nothing happened and Mike had me come outside to talk to him.

Once we swapped stories we both knew this would only escalate if I stayed much longer. She had lied saying she was battling MS {which was a new revelation}and I was verbally and physically getting abusive in the house. I told him how I was already working on the exit since I had the feeling it was going this way because of the earlier issues that day.

I felt like no matter what I just couldn’t get my standing, but thankfully Mike understood the ordeal and told Shawna to back off. He knew when I answered the door with a content sleeping baby it was all a lie. Her theatrics of wheeling herself out when he knew she walked perfectly fine was the kicker in his eyes.

I went in to pack and get the ball rolling on my exit. I confronted Shawna about her issues and told her to give me 3 days and I would be gone.

I then confronted Joe and wanted answers as to if he was coming too or if it was just me continuing my journey with Slater. As my first instincts had been right, he wasn’t going with me. 

He was given the chance to stay and was talking about it. I took it as a blessing. The less people to fuck me over at that point, the better. I had Slater and I to worry about and I was tired of everyone letting me down. At this point I just wanted to be as far away from everyone as humanly possible.

My friend Sue got back to me the next day. Her and her husband had known me for years and knew all the drama I had endured with my family. They offered to get me an apartment and give me a job at their company.  I could bring Slater to work and they would put the money down for the deposit and first month and I could pay them back in my first couple of checks.

They were my Angels sent from the Universe.

It was my exit. The apartment was rented and I was packed up with what little I had and moved by the 3rd day. 

I thanked Joe for making my pregnancy at least bearable and he offered to help drive anything I needed to move. After his help he left and it was just Slater and I in an empty 2 bedroom apartment 45 minutes away from any of the last bits of the chaos.

  Plot Twist

I moved back into the old house in Effort, PA once again. I took over an apartment on the 3rd floor that I had almost finished and started the work inside the house every free moment I had. I found another tattoo shop not far down the road to work at to help fund the projects. T and I would bounce between his place and mine at night and started to become an official thing. Angel had become a mother in the time I had been gone and now was trailing around her son with us from time to time. I settled into a grove with the family and work. I did as much work as I could on the property by myself but found customers that would trade for work when I needed drywall or electrical. I approached Jane about  taking over operations of the house eventually. I had devised a plan to work on the house and turn the downstairs frame shop into a tattoo studio. I figured once I opened up I could spend more time working on the house and eventually I could make payments to Jane for the house and one day own it outright from her. We went over the basic details and she agreed that it would be a good idea.
T had been living with his family and once I got the go ahead we decided he should move in.
I spent every extra moment on that house. I  worked at the shop to pay for anything I could. I made sure to fill the oil tanks for winter and fix all the pipes.
It was almost a year after I had started going to the house and I could see the progress taking form.
That was until Jane moved my aunt Kathy back up into the house. I knew she was going to be trouble but Jane assured me it was temporary since she had just gotten out of rehab.
T and I kept going. We had started to become serious and took a trip down to Florida to visit Patti  for a week. About a month after we returned a family friend came to visit Aunt Kathy and Jake came up to visit for my birthday that was just around the corner. I had T take the family friend to the local strip club while I tattooed Jake for the day and gave him a stack of cash to play with.
The Club was a small hole in the wall that had a bunch of pool tables on the first floor and the strip club up on the second floor. A couple hours into tattooing Jake ,T called, he was running low on cash. Jake and I rode down to the club and found T downstairs at the pool tables with a group of girls. One in particular was hanging on his every move. I knew this was their job so I thought very little but took notice. The family friend had been having a great time and they wanted to spend a little more time. Jake and I dropped off the money and left to go back and resume tattooing.
T came home that night like nothing happened and super casual. The next morning I was having a bar-b-que for a celebration of summer and had invited a few to come and join in the fun. I had wanted to have everyone that had helped so far come and enjoy some fun as a way to say thanks for all the work and friendship. An hour before the event, T received a call from the dancer. She didn’t even try to be cordial and wanted him instantly on the phone, giving away her intentions instantly to me. I could tell there was already a red flag in her motives. He told me he had invited a few of the girls and I figured the more the merrier but also I always felt that if things were going to go south that I would let him dig his own grave. That was until the dancer arrived and I could clearly see she had eyes only for T and there was more going on than they were leading on.  The other guests caught on just as quickly as she only addressed me to see what days and times I worked, no doubt planning her strategy. I already could tell he had had sex with her. Every chance that someone could, they approached me with their suspicions. After the festivities, the family friend confirmed that T and her had gone out to the car shortly after I had left the bar the night before.
I laid in wait now for him to hang himself with her presence and figured I’d see if he was going to make it a constant or just a fling .It didn’t take very long. The next day while at work a customer stopped in to say hello and let out the fact that they had just seen my jeep at a house down in the gorge. I already figured he was with her and now I knew for certain . I returned to an empty house and picked up the phone and dialed *69. It was her answering machine. I left her a message. “Hey, when your done fucking my boyfriend, tell him to return my truck” 20 minutes later she returned my call, no doubt stalling and trying to reverse the damage. Little did they know that I had already gained the information on who she was and her story as well as the amount of time he had been there. Pine cone wireless works well in the mountains. The phone call she originally made was from hours earlier. Not only that but after the party I had found her hair in the bed under the sheets and a wet spot. Always give them enough rope. She tried to back peddle. I waited until he came home and confronted him.  He denied everything, telling me I was overreacting. I let it lay for the night. The next day was round 2. Only this time I informed him to come get his shit and she could have him. She was under the impression, it was his house, his money, his jeep. Oh did she get a rude awakening when I informed her that it was all mine and my family’s. She now dove into insults of how I was a fat pig and how he hated being with me. Guess it was perfect then how she would have to take him and could bear that burden for me.
Come to find out that she had a boyfriend, herself, and was cheating on him the whole time as well.
I watched as T became outraged as I threw him out. He was caught red handed and the stripper even admitted to it and now he was trying to stay. I wasn’t going to have any part of it. He screamed and threw things all over my apartment in a rage. He tried screaming in my face and all I could do was laugh at this child throwing a temper tantrum.I kicked him out and cleaned up my apartment that night and settled into the calm silence.
I picked myself back up and kept going. I dove back into working and fixing the house. I had gotten the floors sanded and was refinishing one room at a time. There’s something to be said for doing a demo after a breakup that’s simply therapeutic.
My birthday was a month later, so Jake and I planned  on having another round of the B-B-Q without the drama. Angel and the rest of the family had been furious that T had fucked up. Angel kept me posted on any of the drama and had found the chick’s now ex boyfriend. She invited him to my party to help get answers. It seemed that he had his suspicions as well and I was the one to catch them red handed.  
Erk was in his 30’s and had been in rehab. He was going to meetings almost daily. That was where he and Angel met. He left her and was looking for answers. We traded our timelines and matched everything up. He seemed like a nice guy so we changed numbers and decided to hang out another time. 
Jake and I spent the rest of the night of my party laughing and enjoying a mushroom journey. He had brought them as a gift after I had told him that I never actually ever did mushrooms. It was a much needed release. I had never felt so relaxed and laughed so hard.
By morning we lounged on my couch talking about life. Jake tried to make his move and come in for a kiss but I stopped him before there was a connection. I just couldn’t go that route with Jake.  I love Jake, in an alternate universe we were probably a scorching couple, but in this life he is the closest to a brother I could imagine and I didn’t want to lose that. At the end of it all we still hugged and understood that our lives were going in different directions and he held no animosity. (I’m so glad to this day that we kept our friendship platonic. He’s become the brother I needed in tough times.)

Erk and I started to hang out after Jake went back home. The petty side of me was winning out since I knew the whole town would be talking. They were, I mean what else did they have to do except watch like a bad soap opera. Pine cone wireless.
We went to the club one night, since they had pool tables downstairs and I wasn’t going to hide ever again from others’ foul habits.  The other girls at the club had also heard what had happened and were now hanging with us, knowing she was devious and not trustworthy. After about a month of Erk and I frequenting the club, she even tried to provoke  us and tried to get us kicked out. Once the Bouncers heard what her problem was, they fired her for starting the issue.
Erk and I started to unofficially date.
While he was clean and sober,he was great. We would work together on the house and relax by watching movies at night or playing pool. I was slowly coming along with my shop and had gotten all the permits. I was dealing with Kathy in small bursts. She started to become a problem again and was starting to now tap all my calls. I tried talking to Jane about her but she would divert the talks and always try to ignore the situation.
I was almost done with the shop and was looking at only 2 weeks until opening when Erk started to sabotage from behind the lines since he started using drugs again behind my back while I was working without me fully knowing. I had a professional camera that I had gotten for photography that came up missing. When I confronted him while we were out having dinner at the local bar/ restaurant he lied about it all and said he thought it was someone else we were hanging around. I walked away to go to the bathroom to cool down and exited the bathroom into a bar fight with Erk in the middle of it. I know now he was trying to deflect. The bar kicked us out and I had to drive since he was in the heat of anger and I didn’t trust him to drive. I was 3 miles from the house when he tried to grab the wheel and then my neck. I smacked him away and he punched me. He had hit me on the side of my cheekbone on the edge of my eye socket. While driving I punched him back in the mouth while pulling over and slamming the truck into park. He was now screaming at me and I didn’t care. I took his truck keys and threw them across the road into the brush.  I started walking without looking back as he was screaming profanities over a busted lip. He was screaming the whole time I walked down the road. Not a minute later a car came down the highway and I put my thumb out to hitch a ride. The driver was a god sent. He saw my state of mind when he pulled over and opened his door. I hoped in and the tears came flooding in. He drove me to my door and confided in me that I deserved so much better. He was right. This poor man had saved me from being stranded while at the same time giving me a glimpse of humanity. I must’ve looked like a complete wreck and he gave me patience and words of encouragement.
It was over 2 hours later that Erk showed up at the house and tried to get in, screaming and breaking a window. Thankfully they were double panes so he only broke one set of glass. I ignored him, locked the doors and let him sleep it off on the porch.
The next morning,I assessed the damage. I had a black eye and 1 broken window. When I opened the front door he was sleeping on the porch and awoke to look at me. He had a busted lip and a chipped tooth. When he realized I had a black eye, he profusely apologized stating that he had fallen off the wagon and would put himself into rehab yet again. He went that afternoon. It was only because he came clean that I gave him a chance to keep contact. While he went into 30 days of detox and rehab I dove back into the shop work.
I was 3 days away from opening and was getting ready to caulk the last sink in when Jane called and told me to get out of the house and said she was going to sell the house.
No amount of talking was going to fix it, Kathy in the background had convinced my grandmother that I was majorly on drugs, even though she knew I would never touch it. Now with Erk’s actions Kathy had convinced her I was destroying the house, even though she was the one constantly now doing drugs and allowing her little dogs to piss and shit all over the new floors that I had worked so hard on resanding and refinishing.
When I tried to plead my case, Jane would have no part in it. I pointed out all the money and time I had invested in the house and she ignored every bit. She told me to give her an Itemized bill and then she would make some deductions of her own and then I might see some money. She didn’t care how close I was to opening, or that it was winter and I had no money since I had invested it all in the house and shop. She wanted me out.
I had to pack everything up and put it in storage. I had less than 2 weeks to get out. Patti offered to pay the first month of the storage unit which was only about 100$ and I could pay her back. She came to help me and actually came up to inspect the damage. Though I’m sure secretly she was probably only coming to see if Kathy was right. She saw firsthand the amount of work and the fact that I was clean. She left after a few days and paid for the storage.
After it all, I was left to find a place to stay.
Thankfully Ann and Angel offered me their couch for a few days. Erik checked out of rehab early and asked his grandmother upstate if we could come stay with her while I got back on my feet. She opened her house willingly.
Ester was an amazing older woman. She still baked pies from scratch and made dinner and breakfast daily. I was humbled to be welcomed into her house. I immediately applied at any job I could for the winter since there were no local tattoo shops. I landed a job at the local gas station full time and Erk went back to work doing construction.
Looking back I had so many times that I should have just walked but in reality I wasn’t sure where to go and nothing looked any more promising than the hell I was already in. My main options were to go back to the hellscape of Florida to family that didn’t actually care, old friends that weren’t really friends anymore or stay in PA and try like hell to get back on my feet with what little support of friends that I did have.
I spent that winter working at the gas station and getting frustrated with Erk. He became very jealous and possessive over my every movement. I was isolated to only be around him and his family. His mother was very dry with me and never very welcoming no matter how much I tried to help her. His grandmother however was the highlight of my winter. She and I would cook together and I would help her in the household chores. I loved spending time with her in the kitchen learning old recipes and watching the deer outside the kitchen window come to feed on the scraps we left out for them.
As the winter started to melt, so did my desire for staying in Pennsylvania. Erk was starting to drive me a little insane, and I was looking for an escape. Patti offered up the spare room after I had gotten an offer to come back to Florida and run a very prestigious new tattoo studio and I figured it would be the perfect out. Only Erk decided to go with me. I thought that maybe if he was in a new environment he would relax more and  we might do better because there really wasn’t much to do at his family’s place.

We packed my jeep and went South.
We moved into Patti’s with an agreement that it was only temporary and would be a very short lived stepping stone until we could find somewhere else. The deal with the Tattoo studio fell through because the owners had split and now were selling the shop so I was back to square one.Erk became relaxed and more personable in Florida. We Started to thrive again in the relationship and we went to meetings together to help him on his sober journey. I got a job at the local Whole Foods as a front end cashier part time while also working at a tattoo shop as an on-call piercer and started doing Make-up again at the salon by appointment.  Erk got a job at a local construction company and we immediately started to save money.

But there was a weird energy to Erk on occasion. He and Patti almost danced around and away from each other. He knew how she had been to me in the past and understood that I was grateful to have her offer the space but also knew I always expected the receding of that invitation to come the minute she flipswitched on me. It was always a matter of time with Patti. No matter how much I wished for the mom that would be a good roommate and friend and actually give me the room to grow, I knew it was never a long time from the nice Patti to the Horrific Patti. So when she claimed that a piece of jewelry and a few of her checks were stolen I figured this was her starting her flip and using Erk as the reason this time.
We moved in with his sponsor and his sponsor’s girlfriend within days. I tried to still be open though to the possibility that Erk might have done it since knowing about his drug past. I wasn’t deluding myself but I knew I couldn’t trust either of them completely since they both always had their own interests at heart.  Patti canceled the checks and started to harp that she didn’t trust Erk. Meanwhile I didn’t trust either of them completely. I figured moving in with the sponsor would be a good step in the right direction to move away from both Erk and Patti, I would just have to buy my time and save.
I started planning my exit strategy with Erk. I knew we weren’t working and I didn’t want to abandon him in the new state without knowing he would be good. I just couldn’t live with that on my conscience. I kept working most of the time and in my free time Erk and I just kept doing life. I sold my Jeep after realizing that it was eroding away from the years in the salt and snow. I absolutely hated to see my jeep go but it was time to move on and no matter how hard I wanted to work on it, I knew it was time to move on. Erk had convinced me to get a newer car so I bought a Volkswagen Golf GTI at a little buy here pay here place. It was my little yellow go cart.

I had gained weight while in PA and now that I was back in Florida I hated the extra pounds so I tried to stay as active as possible. I had really realized that once I bought the new car because it gave me more room in the mid section.
My period had not been present in almost 2 years at this point and my doctor and I attributed it to my past cancer and hormonal issues.  My doctor was there in Boca and I had seen him the last time I had visited with T the year before. We had talked about my past medical having long term effects in the future and one of those was weight issues as well as thyroid issues in the future. The doctor had warned me that when I got closer to 30 I would more than likely start having issues with energy and weight. He told me ,when I did, we would need to do the Hysterectomy that we avoided when I was 20 when I had cervical cancer. The hysterectomy was to get my body on track.  I was figuring my weight journey was starting to go down that path since I was now 28.
We were working and living with the roommates for almost 3 months when Erk lost his job. I didn’t suspect anything out of the ordinary because jobs came and went in construction with many people I knew. When Erk and his sponsor came up with a plan to take my car and drop me at work that way they could go do interviews and job hunt for the day I didn’t think twice.

9 hours later I ended my shift at Whole Foods and called Erk’s cellphone to have him pick me up. The voice that answered the cell however, wasn’t Erk. Instead I got some ghetto fabulous drug dealer that answered his phone like he owned it. It took me 2 seconds to put it all together. So I played it off like I was a fellow partier looking for Erk.  “Yo, where you at?” I replied. He told me the basic streets and a gas station… I knew exactly where he had gone to score. I dug deeper, “ Where Erk at?” I asked. “Oh he’s walking”, he replied. “What do you mean he’s walking, where’s the car?”I inquired. I was not prepared for the answer . “ Oh I got it now, It’s mine since he owes me”. I could hear the pride in his voice.

 Like hell was this dealer going to take my car.  I asked him how much Erk owed him and that’s when he caught on and hung up on me.  To say I was pissed is an understatement. My head was reeling. I had to get a ride home, so I called a friend and had them take me home. The townhouse we shared with his sponsor and his girlfriend was quiet. No one was home but me. I quickly went to the computer to check my bank account. 

Negative $1,700.00.

 Erk and his sponsor had gone on a binder together and cleaned out my entire bank account and overdrew it. I immediately called the number to shut down the account. I tried calling the police to report the car stolen but because I knew who left with my car it technically wasn’t stolen so I couldn’t file a report. I called the girlfriend to talk to her since I knew she was out of town but might know where they could have gone. She had the nerve to laugh when I told her what had happened, and shrugged it off saying she had a feeling that it would happen.  At the end of the day all she cared about was that rent was due in 3 days and she didn’t care what they did as long as I had the money. 

It was like a bad joke. I hung up the phone completely shell shocked. 

The next morning I called Patti and told her of the situation and asked if I could touch down at her place to get away from the whole ordeal. She obliged willingly, while gloating that she knew Erk was trouble.  So I had to tuck my tail and go back into the situation I was trying to avoid to begin with.

I had my friend drive me to the last known location of the dealer after I got the clearance from Patti. It was the easiest game of “find a car” ever.  My canary yellow GTI stood out in the hood like a lighthouse beacon.  I rolled up to find an old man sitting under a tree just feet away from the car, obviously guarding it.  I took one look at him and called the tow truck while telling my friend to call the cops and tell them I found my car. The old man got up and left before any of them arrived. 

I had my car towed to Patti’s then went to clear out my things from the townhouse. I was moved out and gone before the day’s end and there was still no sign of Erk or his sponsor.  I sank into the bed that night relieved and exhausted, but thankful to be done with Erk once and for all. 

2 days later Erk called me. He cried a sob story about how he left my car at a starbucks with the keys in the gas cap and had walked himself barefoot to rehab. It was all lies and I called him out on every ounce of it. He begged me to bring him cigarettes and I told him to get them from the dealer that had all my money. He tried to beg forgiveness but I knew there was no way I would let him back in my life. This was the final straw and way overdue.

Patti was gloating about my misfortune. She basked in the “I Told you so” and I had to give it to her. Nothing like eating crow while someone gains joy from your misfortune. All I knew was I was gonna end up paying her back one way or another and paying the price mentally.

 A week later I was still exhausted daily and finally broke down to call the doctor.  He scheduled me a week out and for the next week I spent whatever time I wasn’t working, sleeping. I knew I needed to get another side job if I was ever to catch up financially and get out of Patti’s anytime soon. I even called out to old bars and friends about working parties as a server or bartender.  I would work my butt off and dive into work as long as it could get me away from all of it. I had gotten my car rekeyed and squirt away so that I at least had one dependable thing in my corner that could keep me going. The bank wiped all the fraud but most of my money was gone. Thankfully I had a check come in a week after the whole ordeal. So I paid Patti some money and tried to recoup my losses.

I went in to the doctor expecting to do blood work and he told me I would get a call later that day to schedule my hysterectomy if everything was looking in that direction. He drew my blood and urine and I left his office ready to move on.

 I had errands to do and the first stop was the tire shop. As I sat waiting on my tires, D called and we caught up on the recent events with my doctors. D had been there years before when I was told I would more than likely never have children. He had watched as I mourned the Idea of never having my own kids and commented then that he could never imagine me with kids.. When he had the girls it was kind of my way of writing off that he was gone from my life for a reason. She was able to give him the one thing that I couldn’t. He had even offered to share the girls’ growing up experience at one point and I had always felt like an aunt from the sidelines because when they needed anything for the girls or bills I got a call from the family or friends. He had made comments multiple times that those girls should have been ours. Every time he made the references a little piece of me always died and longed for what could have been. But no matter what I was happy to see him be able to have that experience, even if it wasn’t with me. I loved watching his girls grow up, even from the sidelines. I was happy to have his friendship, even if his wife didn’t like it or know about it sometimes to keep the peace. So it was only more bittersweet that when I would have to come to the full circle of dealing with the surgery he would be the one on the phone. 

Only fate had a different plan. 

The doctor called while we were talking so I hung up with him to hear the outcome of my fate.  

I could hear the happiness in my doctor’s tone while he proclaimed “Congratulations, your Pregnant!”

I almost laughed out loud as I said, “Very funny doc, so seriously, what’s the diagnosis?” He didn’t even skip a beat saying “ And you’re like Way pregnant, how did you not know?” Figuring he was still trying to make light, I joked, “ Come on Doc, it’s not April fools, so seriously.. there is no way… what’s wrong?”

His tone got serious, “ Well obviously there was because you’re pregnant and way pregnant honey”. My mind went in circles, I couldn’t grasp it mentally. “If you tell me I’m having quadruplets, I’m killing you” was all I could reply. He started to laugh. My mind went into a stunned silence internally. Doc didn’t skip a beat and started in with the questions. How did I not know? How did I not get the normal signs? I was still trying to piece it all together. I didn’t believe it. I hadn’t had a period in 2 years, I was told I would never be able to hold a baby past the first trimester. I had already set it in my head that I just wasn’t ever going to have children of my own. I rebutted every avenue to him adding in that he was the one that told me years ago that it was near impossible and that it would never happen. He giggled and said “Well, I guess this one stuck so I want you in tomorrow for prenatals and we will go over everything.” I agreed and hung up the phone in a stunned state of mind. 

 I guess my face said it all because the counter guy at the tire place asked if everything was alright, and I just sort of looked up at him in astonishment and told him my news. He congratulated me with a big smile and I was thanking him in shock, when my phone rang again. It was D, awaiting the news. I was still in shock so when he asked if everything was ok, I was still in a “duh” mind circle.  I nervously told him and I could hear his mind do the same thing mine did just moments before. He reeled into the same rant of questions I had to the doctor. “I thought you couldn’t have kids, what do you mean your 4 months, OMG, Holy Shit, congratulations, are you excited? Wait, is Erk the dad?” It all came crashing into my chest at once. I talked to D trying to work through my own processing. In the end of it all he was happy for me, but I could hear the slight sadness for me. 

I thought about it the whole  ride home. If I had found out sooner, I would most definitely not have kept Erk around , and more than likely gotten rid of this baby because of his toxic drug use and his connection to it in the early months. But here it was, and there was no way I could do anything now. I was having a baby and I was going to be a single mom all the way. 

I dreaded telling Patti. Yes I was raised by her most of my life as a single mother so I knew I could do it, but I also knew she would make me miserable about it. She always loved to harp on the worst and most negative aspects that weren’t up to her standards , and this baby would just be another point for her to harp on me. She would revel in my despair and then use it to her agenda that she would now use with the people around her as her moment to be the martyr. 

I made a pact that day that I would work hard and pay off the birth and try to move out before the baby came so that I could have my own space for us both. I wouldn’t have my child be raised that close to her. I barely made it out of that house mentally stable as a child and I sure wasn’t going to let her do that to my child too. 

It was the next day, after seeing the doc, when I finally told her. She was almost as shocked as I was. I could also see the wheels turning instantly. She immediately worried that I would tell Erk.   I had already decided and informed her that I wouldn’t tell him unless he was clean and sober for 2 years straight. I didn’t need him showing up at all hours high or fucked up trying to play daddy and then being nasty and causing me more stress. This little life deserved more. The baby deserved a life without the fear or abuse from a fucked up parent or grandparent.  I wanted to shield the baby from any of the shit I had already endured. I knew, no matter what, I was going to do whatever it took to give this baby the world. It was going to be different for this little soul and I wouldn’t settle for less. I would cut ties with anyone who wasn’t going to be real and true in their love for this child. They didn’t deserve the Chaos of my life strings I had become entangled in.

Seeing the Truth

I had settled into a routine at work and balanced my play with learning more about tattooing every chance I got.  I kept trying to find any information about Mike’s whereabouts but kept coming up short. I was looking for another piercer since it was now just me. Since I was doing the management for not only the San Diego shop but also the LA shop, I was in the shop almost 12 hours a day. Finally I found another piercer to help me spread out my shifts to be able to give myself time off.

One night while talking to another shop owner over drinks at a local sangria bar, I finally got a lead on Mike.  Most of the shops in San Diego knew each other very well and we all worked together to keep a great community going. If one artist specialized in one thing, we would send people his way. This owner had at one point had a piercer that did not have very good experience with nose piercings, the clients came to our shop complaining, so I called him to help his piercer know the issues that were walking out the door. Since then the owner Art, had made sure to reach out with his appreciation. While talking to Art he told me what the news down the grapevine was with Mike.

Mike had been having issues with Bernie while I was gone. I was spared the main details but Art said that Bernie had a track record of things that would lead up to what happened. Art had worked for Bernie years before and she had basically done the same thing to him, only on a much larger scale. Bernie started causing issues and fired Mike a week before my return. She had locked Mike out of the shop and taken all his tools then blamed him for trying to break in to get his tools back as her excuse to change the locks. When I returned she had claimed that Mike was stealing money and she fired him, but never explained why his tools were still there except that he left them. Once Art told me everything , it all made sense. I wasn’t that close with Mike but I definitely didn’t think he would just leave them. I had kept them together for him in hopes that he would reach out to me so that I could give them back. I didn’t believe the story that he had stolen money but I thought that Bernie was just making an excuse to her just firing him since no one could confirm what he took. I guess Mike had also gotten angry that I hadn’t found him and now thought that I was on Bernie’s side and helped to steal his tools. Art and I talked and I asked him to spread the word to Mike that I had his tools in safe keeping, wherever he was ready to get them.

The pieces started to fall into place. Art warned me of her antics so that I could avoid the same fate. I will forever be grateful to him for the warning. I kept what I knew a secret so that I could bide my time until I was ready to make my move. 

I went back to work as usual. Most of the time I would work in San Diego and on Saturday nights I would take the train after my shift and travel to the LA shop to do the books for the week so that on Mondays I would deposit the money at the local bank.
Many times I would arrive late in the night and sleep in the LA shop, but once in a while I would get there early and go crash at one of the artist’s places on their couch. I never really got there in time to meet up with the  artist’s but it was nice when I did. The LA crew was pretty laid back and most of them I got along with, however there were 2 guys that I didn’t really trust in their energy.
The other 2 guys were relaxed and friendly so I spent most of my time relaxing with them when I wasn’t busy.  From time to time Bernie’s husband would stop into the shop and raid the safe for playing money and leave me notes so those days I would have to spend extra time balancing everything. 

One weekend Claire came back out to visit and we ventured to LA for my weekend round. She and I planned on hitting the city so I could show her around and go play. I had just finished the books and we were getting the night planned with one of the artists when Bernie’s husband came into the shop. He was a middle aged, mild build, black man with a bald head and no tattoos.  Some would consider him good looking , however he was most certainly not my type in many ways and the top reason being his personality. He overheard our planning for the night and introjected that Claire and I should go get a hotel room with him for the night and go have a threesome. The minute he said it, Claire and I shared a look. She knew my number one rule no matter what was I never shit where I eat when it came to work. Nevermind that he was not my type, he was my boss’s husband! There was no way in hell I was ever going to sabotage her marriage and my career with the shop. One of the other artists was sitting with us when the comment was made and even he looked at me in surprise. Claire and I laughed it off to make light of the situation and declined. If he was smart, he would’ve cut his ties and laughed as well. Instead he tried to convince us to partake in his fantasy. We both confirmed that we were going to be busy with other friends with prior plans, and tried to decline gracefully.  The silence after that was very uncomfortable, but he took the answer and left. The other artist joked about his audacity and I agreed it was over the line in any world.

That night Claire and I spent the night on the town. I took her to all my favorite watering holes from over the years. She was excited to see the places I had explained to her from the years before that I had been there. I took her to the bar I would hide in when I was with Joe and Jim. I took her to Red Rock bar, where I had spent many nights hiding in the back playing darts. As we sat there eating dinner enjoying the crowd, Jim (the trainer from my past) appeared in a group of people.
He locked eyes and smiled instantly.
While I had locked eyes with Jim, Claire had noticed a well known TV actor standing in the light of the kitchen talking on his phone.  She started smacking my arm to get my attention like a child while telling me to look. There in the doorway I saw him. The Actor that played in Dawson’s creek, it was” Dawson”, James in real life, but the main character. I confirmed it was indeed him and told her that she better get used to seeing stars since we were in the mouth of the Hollywood party scene. As we ate, once in a while I would look up and I locked eyes at one point with the actor. I smiled casually and went back to my conversation. A few minutes later Claire was smacking my arm again. I turned to her in frustration after the 4th hit and she whispered at me “ He’s staring at you!”  All I could do was laugh. I was used to being stared at by now and especially in Hollywood. I wasn’t your run of the mill Hollywood girl. Most of the girls were thin and all looked about the same. I was the one that stood out like a sore thumb. With my now black hair and tattoos with a curvy body, I was not your normal  sight.  I laughed it off and went back to my conversation. Minutes later I decided to venture out to the patio to have a smoke. We started through the crowd and “Dawson” came close enough to touch, locked eyes and said “hello” as we passed him. I smiled back and laughed a hello in response as I passed. Claire was now realing. When I got to the patio, there was Jim. Claire was babbling about how she couldn’t believe that “Dawson” tried to talk to me. Meanwhile Jim was now trying to include me in his group and tried pulling me into his conversation.  I was mentally laughing at the whole idea of this chaos. Here the poster child of the ultimate “boy next door” was trying to talk to the poster freak in the crowd. All while my ex Jim was trying to see if he still had a chance for fun. All I knew was I had Claire to worry about and I wasn’t going to stop for either of these guys until I showed Claire around town.
We made our way back into the restaurant and finished our dinner.   I paid the bill and we started our way to the exit. I was almost there when “Dawson” stepped in front of us, blocking my path.  We locked eyes and he asked,”Leaving so soon?” I could feel Claire’s hand squeeze my arm. I smiled at him and replied,  “I’ve got people to do and places to see.” He smiled back and started to ask if he could buy us a drink when mid “drink”, some small woman came barreling past me and smacked him clear across the face. Claire and I stood stunned in silence for a second as what I could only assume was his girlfriend began her descent into an argument. We laughed quietly and excused ourselves as the couple continued in their banter. As I passed by saying,”looks like you’re a little busy.”

Claire was getting the show of a lifetime that trip. We went to the Rainbow room and saw Slash eating at a table with friends then as we left we were invited to a house party by some eccentric man in his 60’s driving away in a gold Excalibur. The house party was full of performers and magicians all showing their skills from basic magic tricks to fire spinners, it was my kind of crowd. Later that night Jim even tracked us down at that house party and tried to convince me to go home with him. It was a rollercoaster of a day and at the end of the night, we both crashed at a local friend’s place.  

Claire went back home a few days later and I was back to work. Bernie left town a week later to go to her salon in Italy. While she was gone I was left to tend the shops. The other piercer Kent was starting to make comments that cued me to warning signs that he might be working with Bernie behind my back to try to phase me out. I took Art’s warning to heart and immediately pulled my tools from the shop.  The next check in call from Bernie, my suspicions were confirmed when she scolded me for taking my tools out of the shop and requested I bring them back for Kent.  Knowing that he was a much more seasoned piercer I argued that I was now doing piercings freehand {which I had done mostly anyway}. Bernie had no argument left when I brought up that Kent should have his own tools if he was as seasoned as we thought.

I could tell my days at the shop were coming to an end. It was only a matter of logistics now and I knew there was No logical reason she could claim.

It was 4 days before Bernie’s return that her husband set the trap.

Unbeknownst to the LA shop I got stuck at the South shop all night on a night that I was supposed to be there for bookkeeping. The south shop had been so busy that night that I stayed up with Dan and Dave until 5am with 3 clients in the shop. When the clients left, the boys and I had laid out the sleeping bag in the office on the floor and all crashed out from exhaustion. The next morning/afternoon when we woke up at 11:45, just before opening the shop,  Deb arrived. We were all laughing about the night before and talking about how I was going to get some coffee and head to LA when the phone rang.

I picked up the phone to hear from one of the guys, Juan, from the LA shop. Juan was not one of my favorites, I knew he was friends with Bernie’s husband. He asked if I had made it to the shop the night before and done the books already. I explained I hadn’t made it there yet since I got stuck at the south shop all night and he dove into a questionnaire asking if I gave anyone else the safe code. Someone supposedly, had gone into the safe and taken one of the employee’s savings money that he kept in the safe and left the empty envelope on top of the desk. I immediately knew it was Bernie’s husband since he was the only one with the code and the tendency to raid the safe for party money. I voiced my suspicion and Juan claimed to have asked him already with no success to an answer. Juan jumped right into accusations of me giving the code to another artist. I could smell the plot thickening since it was the artist that witnessed the proposal just a month before.  I explained that if I wanted to steal it, I sure wasn’t going to be with money that could be tracked and had been tallied versus the money I could skim off the books without anyone knowing. Once I pointed out that I also wouldn’t have an accessory to my thievery and there was obvious evidence this was a set up he hung up on me.
The game was set. Everyone in the South shop watched the phone call unravel and knew what was happening after that.

I went to the LA shop to check the books and sure enough the safe drops were exact but the savings money was gone. I now awaited the arrival of Bernie.
Bernie called 2 days later wanting to set up a shop meeting in LA when she touched down. I explained how I had witnesses to my actions and how I knew it was a set up. She tried to smooth it over with me and say it was all a formality, she knew I wouldn’t steal and she trusted me. When I arrived at the meeting the attitudes were in high gear and Bernie’s husband was in full blame mode. Once I laid out the reason why he was blaming me and laid out the proposition he made, he went into full lying mode to try to deflect. At the end of the meeting Bernie made a declaration that both of us would have to pay to replace the money equally, but I knew there was nothing equal going on. I tried to hand her the keys to the shops and safes before I left. I wasn’t going to be accused of stealing and leave with the keys for her to make it a larger amount. Bernie refused to take the keys while telling me that she trusted me and would see me in the south shop in 2 days.
I knew they were laying the groundwork for the great lie.
I rode the train home and once I got there I handed the keys directly to Deb. I wanted absolutely no reasons for anyone to be able to blame me. I explained everything that went down and Deb knew this was the end of the road for the shop.
I had decided I wouldn’t look back and since I had nothing left at the shop and the next day off it was time to figure my next move.

The next morning I received a call from Patti. The universe has made some moves and it was calling me back to Florida.
Patti was complaining about her staff at her salon and just happened to ask me to come back to help her in her salon. As much as I knew it wouldn’t work out well if I stayed too long, I also knew if I didn’t go it would be more drama on both ends. I spent the rest of the day plotting my talk with Bernie. By the next morning I was still trying to figure out the most relaxed way to walk away. Bernie on the other hand was looking to start a fight and demanded I be at the cafe next to the shop that afternoon. I refused to play, so instead I went to the movies. I was just about to go into the movie itself, when Bernie called my cell phone asking my whereabouts and when I would be arriving. This was my time. I politely told her that I wasn’t going to be arriving and I wouldn’t be coming back to the shop at all since the recent events only confirmed my suspicions more that she was plotting to take the money and ignore the wrongdoings. Bernie got heated, she started threatening to call immigration on my husband and threatening to out my marriage as fake. I casually replied that two could play that game since she was still not a US citizen. We both knew her husband had a history of cheating and now I had witnesses to his proposal .I knew no matter what I did she would try to cause issues. When she mentioned the keys I told her to ask Deb. I let her know that  Deb had the keys since I had arrived back from LA. Checkmate.
Bernie was seething and I could hear it. She started spraying a slew of profanities at me as I hung up and walked into my movie and turned off my phone.

Deb told me all about how Bernie came into the shop fuming and she handed her the keys to then only walk away and go to her client. The guys at the shop had already heard all about my decision and were now upset to watch me go as they all knew it was a set up. Everyone in the shop ignored Bernie and went about their days working without talking to her. Only Kent, the piercer that was to replace me, was happy to be Bernie’s lackie. (I hope he got his karma in that game.)

I spent the next 2 days packing up my things and saying my goodbyes. I visited Art to offer up my appreciation for his words of warning and it had already gotten out about my leaving. The shops had all heard about how I beat her to her own game. Art commented on how he wished I wasn’t leaving  and offered up a position at his shop. As much as it would’ve been amazing I knew it was time to exit San Diego.
Dan and Dave came to wish me well and I knew I would miss them since we were always the last ones standing in the shop. Mazzo and I shared a hug as I loaded up the last of my things and Deb and I said our peace.

I left San Diego and ventured back across the country back to Florida.

I arrived in Boca Raton at my mother’s house and settled in for the ride. After learning that there was a tattoo convention the next week, I jumped at the chance to buy my own equipment. Patti offered up her credit card to pay for my supplies as a birthday present l. After learning about my permanent make-up skills she had started bragging to everyone that I was a permanent make-up artist. She was excited to offer that service to the salon. I accepted the card with the promise to pay her back as soon as possible.

I hated being in Boca. The people were judgemental and rude. There were no fake niceties or indifference. I was the outcast and most people visually showed repulsion. Couples would lock their cars at stop lights, women looked down their nose at me even at gas stations. I had been there not long ago, but my hair was now short and black and I had more tattoos that were visible. In their eyes I was no better than a ghetto junkie and some even voiced that view to my face. It was disgusting to think that these people had the money they did with that attitude. Watching their actions definitely showed me that money didn’t buy class or humanity. It made me sick to my stomach to think about their businesses employees and how they were probably treated.

The girls at the salon were all nice,many stood up for me when their clients made comments. Many times the girls would even warn me of their clients’ attitudes and plot to basically make them eat crow by having me just be me despite their hate. I felt like I was in a constant state of defense.
Patti was on her nice swing so I just tried to keep going and save as much as I could. I started working at the salon a few days a week doing the front desk and tattooing part time. I knew that the salon would never give me all the experience I wanted.  I was becoming known as strictly a permanent make-up artist and I wanted more in the art realm. I started working part time at another tattoo shop as an on-call specialty body piercer. The tattoo shop wasn’t far from the salon so it made it easy to travel back and forth. I started making friends in the community at the salon. I met owners of hotels, mega corporation owners and rubbed elbows with some very prominent people. There were times when I would go to a nice restaurant for a drink or to meet with a client. I would get disapproving looks from those who didn’t know me. The bartenders and wait staff had started to know me and were the only ones to treat me as an equal. I would get faster service from time to time if the staff knew me. It caught the eye of a local plastic surgeon one evening and he came to inquire how I was treated with more speed. Once I explained that I was an artist and knew some of the staff. He appreciated the cantor and we became acquaintances. The locals in Boca started to warm up to me slowly, but I was always having to defend my existence.
I voiced my aggravation to Patti about the ugliness of that society and she called me crazy and told me that I was just reading into it more. Once again brushed off my feelings. She was one of them, always criticizing my appearance or style.
I had kept scarce contact with Claire and she had been avoiding me since moving in with her boyfriend. I had met him before I left the Keys years before and I knew he wasn’t going to be a good influence. Turns out I was right to not like him.

Claire called me crying and begging for me to come and rescue her from his house. 

They had moved to his parents on the other side of the state.  I liked the guys parents, just not him.I had met his mother, Swamp, in the Keys before as well and she and I had shared many laughs. She and her husband, Indian, were old school bikers and she was a strong woman on many levels. I drove across the state and went to retrieve Claire.

When Claire finally got into the car, she was a shadow of herself. Her boyfriend had gotten her strung out on Heroin and gotten physically abusive. She had avoided talking to me so that I wouldn’t find out in case she let anything slip. I was enraged. Claire had hit rock bottom and detoxed herself for the last 2 weeks and now just wanted to escape. At the end of the drive home I was ready to kill her ex. Her father had encouraged her to stay with him and completely accepted him into their life but I was still the bad guy in his eyes so she came to stay with me and Patti. Claire was used to Patti and her antics so there wasn’t any push back. Patti didn’t completely approve of Claire but tolerated her.

Life went on. I worked and tried to keep Claire and I out of the house as much as possible. Claire had gotten a job at a local florist shop and started to save for her own car. I kept working at  both the shop and the salon.  

I knew I wasn’t going to stay forever in Boca, Claire and I started our plan. We decided that we wanted to travel and see the Top of the country and make our way to California again, only this time stay north. We began saving every spare dollar we could. 

I still tried to go to Lauderdale from time to time and see the guys, but I tried to keep my distance since D and Angie were always a looming problem. D’s mom even reached out and would want to meet up from time to time. Truth be told, I really missed her vibrancy in my life.

I tried hanging out more in Boca to save my sanity, but I could handle only so much. I was the novelty friend they would call to spice up the party. I wouldn’t take the rude comments from any of the posh and pampas. I would get called to a party just to put people in their place if the host didn’t like the attitude of the guest. I was the poster child of an outspoken roaster for the ego maniacs. Claire would join in just to watch the show. I was becoming  known as the smack of truth. I realized that if I allowed them to continue with the rude comments that they would only keep going , but if I slung the rudness back, they would cower. The hosts would even give me the ammo I needed to roast the person of interest. Some days it was too easy calling a person out on their shit. The big fat  doctor who had the cute little girl on his arm, was only there for the money. The amount of gold diggers that came from nothing now trying to look down their noses at anyone who wasn’t in the status bracket. The Con men who constantly were trying to swindle the people into “business” deals. The amount of deceit and superiority complexes was disgusting. I really started to hate the mannerisms of the wannabe “Elite” crowd. To me they were more like a snake pit trying to out snake each other. Claire and I would try to escape the gatherings as much as possible. 

It was almost a year and a half later when Claire and I finally saved enough to  escape the mouth of the rat.

We packed up my car and headed to the Keys for her to say her goodbyes to her dad before we were going to leave the state. Mike had offered up his couch for the night and had wanted to surprise Claire with something the next morning. When we arrived at his trailer, instead I was turned away and told to go sleep in my car, claiming he had no room for me and only enough room for her. I had known he would pull some kind of stunt to get me gone. Forget that I had fed and kept his daughter with a roof over her head with no payment, never even charging her rent. Forget that I had helped her to keep off drugs, I was still the bad guy in his eyes. I anticipated his sabotage and  planned on sleeping in my tent on the beach in just this case. Claire showed her disdain and came with me for the night. But her loyalty was short-lived when we showed up to Mike’s work the next day to find that he planned for her to go skydiving as a surprise.  Claire and I had talked multiple times about doing it and her dad worked as the pilot. When I asked if I could go and even offered to pay, I was turned down. I sat and watched as Claire went and loaded up and took her jump, all the while all I could think about was how I was the asshole in the situation. When Claire landed I was still happy for her experience but knew she didn’t care that I was turned away. She even commented that I probably would’ve had trouble breathing anyway so it was for the better that I didn’t go, in her snide attitude.

I wanted to do nothing more than find my place where people actually gave a fuck and didn’t just use me for whatever they could get.

The next day we set out on the road. I bought a magic eight ball to be my psychic advisor. I figured for once I would just go where the wind would take me. I had already seen the worst in people so now I was on a mission to find where the universe wanted me. I was on my hunt for humanity.

It took us a whole month to get from south florida to Pennsylvania. We stopped whenever the magic eight ball instructed. I had decided to make our way north and see my friend Chris that had settled there after Ocean City. I wanted to visit him and then continue north back to the little town I had been in years before. 

When we arrived at Chris’s there was a full house of people. Chris was excited to see us and he planned on a keg party for the night to celebrate. Claire and I felt right at home.  Many faces at the party were open and smiling. Everyone was either tattooed or pierced and most were in the business at one point.  It was a much needed breath of fresh air compared to Boca Raton. I met so many great energies that night. The neighbors came and joined in on the party and everyone was so amazing. There were train hoppers, performers,circus freaks, dancers, bikers, punk rockers and a bunch of piercers all in one place, enjoying life. I made friends instantly with many of the locals and was excited to make new friends. One guy Jake in particular made my night with his quirky antics. He and I instantly became friends over the 2 liter in his jacket.  We both weren’t big drinkers of beer so we became the more sober friends. Claire absorbed as much as she could with the different  personalities.

 The next morning Chris and I talked over a hot cup of tea about the events of the night before. We sat there reminiscing about the times in Ocean City. Claire and I hadn’t planned on staying long but after 2 days of being there Chris invited us to move in and become roommates. We consulted the eight ball and it  answered ”yes” so we made it official.  

Next step was finding a job.

I found the local tattoo shop and was hired on the spot. Chris had started aviation school and was roofing on the side to make the bills. His one roommate Matt was in Nursing and working at a private home care for mental disabilities. I had warned Claire not to hook up with any of the roommates, but she had instantly taken to Matt and was now starting to make her way  into his bed. 

The tattoo shop crew had taken to me quickly. They welcomed me into their clique the first week.  The owner of the shop was a tall good looking biker man with  dark hair and light eyes with a love for cigars, named Joe John. The rest of the shop crew was an assortment of skater punks, bikers and art geeks, just my type of crew. I had made friends with a girl named Brandie at the keg party and she and I shared the same birthday and a love for whiskey. It wasn’t long after that her and I celebrated our birthday at the local bar drinking Irish car bombs all night. We stumbled out to my Jeep and made our way to her house but not without playing through a frew corn and wheat fields first. Chris and I would meet at the end of our days and shoot the shit while sitting over a plate at dinner or an end of the night cocktail next to the bonfire in the backyard.The house was known as Camp Hate. Everyone that stayed on the property liked their privacy when it came to the outside world. It was a constant flow of laughter and fun when everyone was home. On occasion we would all party and do suspensions (hanging from hooks in the piercing sense) in the woods just because we wanted to or just have a rowdy weekend of partying.

 But as the time passed I started to feel like I was slowly being ostracized. Brandie and I had seen the shift and would talk about it over study sessions for nursing school. I had become her study partner in my off time so that I could learn more while getting out of the house. When I wasn’t working or with Brandi I would be scouting the mountains and local area doing photography. Claire had migrated right into the folds with Matt who was becoming very possessive around her. Claire and Matt were dating and they also had Chris in their circle more and more. 

I had called my grandmother to check in on her and she had asked me to go check on the house up north claiming that she was having problems from the city. To escape the Claire and crew attitude I went on my day off and found that the house was in horrible condition. The yard was overgrown and above my waist, the firepit was filled to the brim with bottles and glass, the house needed love. When I went in to further inspect, I found 6 people living there without my grandmother’s knowledge. Come to find out that my Aunt Kathy’s old party buddy had moved in and was lying to Jane(Pat) that he was maintaining the property. There had been over 6 rooms where the pipes had burst the past winter and had warped the walls and wood flooring. Jane begged me to clear out the extra people and clean up the house before it was to be condemned.

I spent the next few weeks driving back and forth every day off, to clean out the property. The locals had heard I was back in town and Angel and her family reached out to spend time together. I spent every day off working on the house and trying to clean up the property. Eventually I started tattooing friends in the area for help. 

I could feel the distance with the Camp Hate crew growing more and more. Finally Brandie and I sat and talked about the awkwardness that had grown over the house. Brandie had started to be ostracized as well and found that Claire was the base to it all. Behind our back Claire had painted a much different picture to the crew on our relationship and they had now sided with her without conversing with me. Chris and I’s relationship had suffered with Claire’s workings and he snapped at me one day letting the lie she had told him roll out. That was when I learned the true extent of Claire’s deceit. I had to clear the air with Chris and when I was done shedding light to her lies, he humbly apologized. Claire had painted a picture of me as the controlling mother that dictated her every move and had been a burden to her sister and an annoyance. It all made sense now, in the actions of the whole house and their ostracizing tactics. Jake and Brandie had been the only ones to stay true to me in the whole process and now that I had been gone to the house on my days off Claire had ran rampant with her lies. Chris was getting ready to leave on his own new adventure and with me being gone at the house up north I felt it was time to move on. I consulted the magic eight ball and it confirmed it was time to go. 

T, Angel’s brother, and I had started to hang out again and now that he was over 18 I felt better about the flirting situation with him. He and I worked on the house tearing down walls and on his time off he would come down to Camp Hate and spend time with me.  I conferred with Jane about moving up and back into the house with the plans of refurbishing the house and taking care of it. We agreed it would be best and she would send money when needed for any supplies while I would do the labor as much as I could and I would trade tattoo work whenever possible for extra help.

Knowing that Claire had been the saboteur,I asked her if she wanted to move on the path or stay, hoping she would decline. She did, since her and Matt had become an official thing in the house.. I let her know I was moving on without her, on to my next city. I thanked the shop for the time there and thanked Joe John for the great experience and time at his shop. I moved a week later leaving behind the lies for Claire to wallow in.      

(Looking back Jake called her the Uko Ono of that house and he wasn’t wrong.)